Yeltsin in Texas!
A Musical in One Act
Inspired by Real Events
Inspired by Real Events
Music by Evan Mack
Lyrics by Joshua McGuire
Book by Joshua McGuire and Evan Mack,
with Christopher Mirto
Lyrics by Joshua McGuire
Book by Joshua McGuire and Evan Mack,
with Christopher Mirto
2022 Workshop Performance
performed at Skidmore College on July 29, 2022
Yeltsin in Texas! was developed through the Blueprint Project in 2021.
performed at Skidmore College on July 29, 2022
Yeltsin in Texas! was developed through the Blueprint Project in 2021.
Cast & Creative
cast
Manager ................................. Rachel Spencer Hewitt
Clerk ................................................. Henry Walter Greenberg
Rent-a-Cop .......................................... Brendan Tuohy
Yeltsin ................................................... Zachary James
Vladimir ............................................ Johnny Salvesen
Cowboy Astrophysicist .................... Charlie Roppolo
Pregnant Woman ......................... Jenna Rose Cipolla
Old Woman ................................................. Julia Fertel
Frank, Band Nemesis ........................ Thomas Valenti
Corporate Suits ................................... Adam Partridge
Clerk ................................................. Henry Walter Greenberg
Rent-a-Cop .......................................... Brendan Tuohy
Yeltsin ................................................... Zachary James
Vladimir ............................................ Johnny Salvesen
Cowboy Astrophysicist .................... Charlie Roppolo
Pregnant Woman ......................... Jenna Rose Cipolla
Old Woman ................................................. Julia Fertel
Frank, Band Nemesis ........................ Thomas Valenti
Corporate Suits ................................... Adam Partridge
evan mack, composer
Believing that opera should be theater grounded in climatic expression that delivers larger-than-life stories and music that harnesses the full athletic thrill of singing, Evan Mack has devoted much of his compositional life to opera and song. His first major operatic composition, where he served as both composer and librettist, was Angel of the Amazon. “Angel” premiered in May of 2011 by Encompass New Opera Theatre at the Baryshnikov Arts Center in New York City and was subsequently released on CD worldwide by Albany Records. Two years later, Fresno State Opera Theater premiered The Secret of Luca. This was the first of several collaborations with librettist Joshua McGuire. In August 2016, their American grand opera Roscoe premiered at Seagle Music Colony to rave reviews. Roscoe received its orchestral world premiere with the Albany Symphony starring Metropolitan Opera star Deborah Voigt. In between the two large scale projects, Mack & McGuire found time to write the first ever opera for Twitter #IsOperaDead – an opera in 5 acts lasting one minute and forty seconds.
Their multi-cultural Christmas opera for children, Lucinda y las Flores de la Nochebuena is quickly becoming a holiday standard with yearly productions by San Francisco Opera, Opera in the Heights and Fresno State Opera who commissioned the opera. The one-act opera The Ghosts of Gatsby premiered by Samford Opera in Birmingham, AL in 2019 and won the National Opera Association’s Argento Chamber Opera Competition. Mack & McGuire’s latest, Yeltsin in Texas! will get a world premiere in 2020 by TCU and Opera in the Heights.
Evan Mack has proven as deft at song writing as he is in opera. His song A Little More Perfect is a setting of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s final paragraph of the Marriage Equality Decision by the Supreme Court in 2015. Premiering at Seagle Music Colony in 2015, it has quickly become a favorite of many baritones including Michael Mayes, Daniel Okulich and Michael Miller to name a few. The song had its professional premiere at the Glimmerglass Festival in 2016 and the orchestral premiere at the Fort Worth Opera Festival in 2017. His new cycle If Only Lenny Were Here, which celebrates the life of Leonard Bernstein had its world premiere with the Schenectady Symphony in October of 2018.
Evan was named “2018 Professional of the Year” by Musical America, was a composing fellow at the John Duffy Composers Institute and a resident artist at Yaddo. He is currently published with Hal Leonard, Alfred, and Amazon. Evan is a Teaching Professor at Skidmore College. He lives in Albany with his wife, Kristin and two sons, Carter and Henry.
Their multi-cultural Christmas opera for children, Lucinda y las Flores de la Nochebuena is quickly becoming a holiday standard with yearly productions by San Francisco Opera, Opera in the Heights and Fresno State Opera who commissioned the opera. The one-act opera The Ghosts of Gatsby premiered by Samford Opera in Birmingham, AL in 2019 and won the National Opera Association’s Argento Chamber Opera Competition. Mack & McGuire’s latest, Yeltsin in Texas! will get a world premiere in 2020 by TCU and Opera in the Heights.
Evan Mack has proven as deft at song writing as he is in opera. His song A Little More Perfect is a setting of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s final paragraph of the Marriage Equality Decision by the Supreme Court in 2015. Premiering at Seagle Music Colony in 2015, it has quickly become a favorite of many baritones including Michael Mayes, Daniel Okulich and Michael Miller to name a few. The song had its professional premiere at the Glimmerglass Festival in 2016 and the orchestral premiere at the Fort Worth Opera Festival in 2017. His new cycle If Only Lenny Were Here, which celebrates the life of Leonard Bernstein had its world premiere with the Schenectady Symphony in October of 2018.
Evan was named “2018 Professional of the Year” by Musical America, was a composing fellow at the John Duffy Composers Institute and a resident artist at Yaddo. He is currently published with Hal Leonard, Alfred, and Amazon. Evan is a Teaching Professor at Skidmore College. He lives in Albany with his wife, Kristin and two sons, Carter and Henry.
Joshua mcguire, librettist
JOSHUA McGUIRE has written librettos for The Secret of Luca, (based on the novel by Ignazio Silone) and Roscoe (based on the novel by Pulitzer Prize winner William Kennedy) with music by Evan Mack. In October 2016, Roscoe received a full performance by the Albany Symphony featuring soprano Deborah Voigt in the lead role of Veronica. His collaboration with Mack also produced #isoperadead, the first-ever opera for Twitter, as well as Lucinda y Las Flores de la Nochebuena, a children's opera commissioned by the Fresno State Opera Theatre. Since premiering in 2016, the opera has played for over 15,000 children, including annual performances by Opera in the Heights (Houston) and the San Francisco Opera Guild. Mack & McGuire’s one-act opera The Ghosts of Gatsby, based on the life of Zelda Fitzgerald, was commissioned and premiered by Samford University in 2018. They are currently fulfilling a multi-company commission for a new comedy entitled Yeltsin in Texas!
In 2015, McGuire was commissioned to write a libretto for Washington National Opera's American Opera Initiative, and the resulting one-act opera, Alexandra, with music by David Clay Mettens, was premiered at the Kennedy Center. He is also the author of The Secret of Music: a look at the listening life, a book of essays on music and mindfulness. McGuire is the recipient of fellowships from Yaddo, and from the Susan Shames Feinstein Librettist Fellowship at the American Center for New Works Development. He is represented by Margaret O'Connor of Innisfree Literary.
McGuire currently teaches at Vanderbilt University's Blair School of Music. McGuire studied at the University of Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music, where he pursued Master’s work in both guitar and orchestral conducting, holding assistantships in both areas. As an undergraduate at Vanderbilt University, he took the Bachelor of Music summa cum laude as well as High Honors in English Literature for his thesis on musical structures in the work of James Joyce. He currently resides in Nashville with his wife, pianist and conductor Jennifer McGuire, their son Thomas, and a basset hound.
In 2015, McGuire was commissioned to write a libretto for Washington National Opera's American Opera Initiative, and the resulting one-act opera, Alexandra, with music by David Clay Mettens, was premiered at the Kennedy Center. He is also the author of The Secret of Music: a look at the listening life, a book of essays on music and mindfulness. McGuire is the recipient of fellowships from Yaddo, and from the Susan Shames Feinstein Librettist Fellowship at the American Center for New Works Development. He is represented by Margaret O'Connor of Innisfree Literary.
McGuire currently teaches at Vanderbilt University's Blair School of Music. McGuire studied at the University of Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music, where he pursued Master’s work in both guitar and orchestral conducting, holding assistantships in both areas. As an undergraduate at Vanderbilt University, he took the Bachelor of Music summa cum laude as well as High Honors in English Literature for his thesis on musical structures in the work of James Joyce. He currently resides in Nashville with his wife, pianist and conductor Jennifer McGuire, their son Thomas, and a basset hound.
christopher mirto, stage director
Christopher Mirto is a director, teacher, sometimes producer, and sometimes actor. Starting out as an actor, training at Stella Adler Studio of Acting while a student at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts, Mirto found directing through a series of extraordinary events. He went to Yale School of Drama, where he earned a master’s degree in directing, studying with Liz Diamond, Tina Landau, David Chambers, and Robert Woodruff.
Before joining the faculty at Oberlin Conservatory, Mirto worked as a freelance artist while teaching at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven and Philadelphia’s University of the Arts. He spent a year as the artistic directing apprentice at Studio Theatre in Washington, D.C.
Mirto’s career highlights include performing in two of Richard Foreman’s plays at the Ontological-Hysteric Theatre in New York City, playing Christina Crawford opposite Joey Arias in Christmas with the Crawfords, and directing a revival of Dionysus in 69 at the Performing Garage.
He is a frequent director with the Norwalk Symphony Orchestra in Connecticut and with Opera-Tunity, an organization that creates operas based on myths from underrepresented cultures, performed by professional musicians and singers for elementary school students. He has directed operas at Manhattan School of Music, Curtis Institute, and with the Longfellow Chorus in Portland, Maine.
Mirto is interested in investigating the intersection of opera and theater and the marriage of precision and immediacy. His teaching and directing work examine the role of opera in the 21st century and how contemporary audiences connect to and contextualize it.
Before joining the faculty at Oberlin Conservatory, Mirto worked as a freelance artist while teaching at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven and Philadelphia’s University of the Arts. He spent a year as the artistic directing apprentice at Studio Theatre in Washington, D.C.
Mirto’s career highlights include performing in two of Richard Foreman’s plays at the Ontological-Hysteric Theatre in New York City, playing Christina Crawford opposite Joey Arias in Christmas with the Crawfords, and directing a revival of Dionysus in 69 at the Performing Garage.
He is a frequent director with the Norwalk Symphony Orchestra in Connecticut and with Opera-Tunity, an organization that creates operas based on myths from underrepresented cultures, performed by professional musicians and singers for elementary school students. He has directed operas at Manhattan School of Music, Curtis Institute, and with the Longfellow Chorus in Portland, Maine.
Mirto is interested in investigating the intersection of opera and theater and the marriage of precision and immediacy. His teaching and directing work examine the role of opera in the 21st century and how contemporary audiences connect to and contextualize it.
THE script
1. Prologue
SHOPPER 1
This is it! This is the store!
SHOPPER 2 (standing nearby, confused)
What store?
SHOPPER 1
This is the store Boris Yeltsin visited.
SHOPPER 3
Oh, the guy with the stain on his head?
SHOPPER 1
No, that was Gorbachev.
SHOPPER 2
The guy with the mustache, who killed millions?
SHOPPER 3
Stalin!
SHOPPER 2
The dude who got his ass kicked by Ukraine?
ALL
Putin!
SHOPPER 1 (earnest)
In a way, he was all of us…
ALL
Shut the fuck up!
EMPLOYEE (passing by with his mop, then exit)
Ya’ll gonna make me miss my break.
This muthafucka was the first president of free Russia.
Big drunk guy.
SHOPPER 3
Aren’t they all?
SHOPPER 2
Wait, Russia wasn’t free?
SHOPPER 1
Communism.
You know, like, early Socialism.
SHOPPER 2
He was Bernie Sanders?!?!
SHOPPER 3
No! The Soviet Union!
SHOPPER 4
They were our enemy…
The Evil Empire…
SHOPPER 1
Duck and cover!
SHOPPER 2
Animal Farm!
SHOPPER 1
Well, it was way better on paper!
SHOPPER 3
Empty storefronts.
SHOPPER 4
Riots.
SHOPPER 1
Government shutdowns.
SHOPPER 2 (referring to the present day)
So… now?
SHOPPER 3 (correcting him)
No, the Cold War.
SHOPPER 2
So did we win?
EMPLOYEE (passing by with his mop, then exit)
I sure as fuck didn’t.
SHOPPER 1
This is where Boris Yeltsin took down the U.S.S.R.
SHOPPER 2
In Houston??
SHOPPER 1
In 1989.
SHOPPER 4
He got a taste… of freedom.
__________________________________________
2. FREEDOM
[The lights change as the scene travels back to 1989. The SHOPPERS all toss their cell phones, and break out 80’s costumes and hair.]
CHORUS
WHOA we got a decade
With an upgrade —
Freedom!
SHOW us what we can’t do
With our brand new
Freedom!
Gonna be a transformation,
Gonna be a liberation,
Taking over every nation.
GO and expand it,
And demand it —
Freedom!
[Lights up on the MANAGER, on the phone in the supermarket, and the CLERK, at home in his 80’s rock band garb.]
OLD WOMAN (to MANAGER)
Yes, I’d like to order a hockey cake…
MANAGER
(to the OLD WOMAN) One moment…
(Into the phone) Hello? YELTSIN?
Who’s that?
And you want a picture of him?!
(exasperated) I’m on it.
[She calls the CLERK.]
CLERK (answering)
Calling to wish me luck?!
MANAGER
No, I need you to come in today.
CLERK
What do you mean I gotta come in? I told you…
MANAGER
I know. I need your help!
CLERK
Okay, okay, sure… I’ll uuhh… I’ll be there.
[He hangs up, and the MANAGER hops back over to the call with CORPORATE.]
OLD WOMAN (to MANAGER, continuing her order)
… with vanilla icing and I’d like the little players… (super-specific cake instructions ad lib)
MANAGER (into the call with CORPORATE)
A Russian?!
Sure, I’ll hold.
[The RENT-A-COP hears the word “Russian” and springs into action, pushing the OLD WOMAN away.]
RENT-A-COP
A Russian?!
(speaking into nonexistent ear unit) Red Wolf to Velveteen Otter, this is Gray Bear on the move…
MANAGER
I’m gonna need you to tone it down today.
OLD WOMAN (to MANAGER, continuing her order)
…with a little bit of sprinkles on top…
RENT-A-COP (to the OLD WOMAN)
That’s a fabulous purse!
OLD WOMAN
What?
RENT-A-COP
(macho) I need to check your purse.
OLD WOMAN
I have a granddaughter you should meet.
Her name is Dorothy.
RENT-A-COP
What’d you call me?!
OLD WOMAN
So you want to meet my grandson?
MANAGER
(into phone) I need FLAGS?!
RENT-A-COP
(to MANAGER) What the fuck did you call me?!
MANAGER
A RENT-A-COP!
RENT-A-COP
(into imaginary ear unit) Loud and clear, Pink Twink….
MANAGER (into phone)
He’s coming NOW?!?!
CHORUS
WHOA, yeah we need it,
Yeah we bleed it —
Freedom!
NO, can’t conceal it,
Can’t repeal it —
Freedom!
Any life you want make it,
Any prize you want take it,
Any doubt inside break it.
GO and light the fire,
Raise it higher —
Freedom!
CHORUS SOLO
Everything is bigger…
CHORUS
In Texas!
CHORUS SOLO
Everything is brighter…
CHORUS
In neon!
Everything is possible in 1989.
CLERK, MANAGER, & RENT-A-COP
How hungry are you for freedom?
CHORUS
WHOA, yeah we need it,
Yeah we bleed it —
Freedom!
CLERK, MANAGER, & RENT-A-COP
How hungry are you for change?
CHORUS
NO, can’t conceal it,
Can’t repeal it —
Freedom!
Any life you want you make it,
Any prize you want you take it,
Any doubt inside you break it.
CLERK, MANAGER, & RENT-A-COP
How hungry are you America?
CHORUS
GO and light the fire,
Never tire,
Raise it higher —
WHOA!
Freedom!
__________________________________________
[THE SUPERMARKET, 1989: shoppers pass by, bored, to the sounds of cheesy Muzak and jingles. The MANAGER is there, and the RENT-A-COP stands by.]
OLD WOMAN
M'm! M'm! Good!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
They're Greeeeeeat! (poking the belly of PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM)
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
(à la Pillsbury Doughboy) Hmm—hmm!
CLERK (rushing in, wiping off his Kiss-inspired eye makeup, carrying his electric guitar)
(to the MANAGER) I can’t believe you called me in today!
MANAGER
You were the closest.
CLERK
Frank lives next door!
MANAGER
Frank has one arm!
CLERK (to himself)
Fraaannnk…
MANAGER
There’s a VIP coming for a tour today.
CLERK
I’ve got Battle of the Bands tonight! I’ve told you like a million times!
I’ve got to be out by 3, and not a minute longer!
CHORUS
Go Longer With Big Red!
CLERK (to the MANAGER)
I’ve got an extra ticket if you want one…
MANAGER (distractedly, looking at her clipboard, ignoring him)
Balloons, streamers…
We need a podium…
CLERK (to himself, befuddled)
There’s no podium in a grocery store…
CLERK
Got my trusty Casio Calculator watch alarm set.
As long as nothing weird happens,
I can rock and ROOOLLL outta here in time…
Run away!
Dead or Alive!
Livin’ on a Praaaaayer!!!!
MANAGER (annoyed)
PODIUM!
[The CLERK sings to himself, assembling a makeshift podium out of beer boxes.]
__________________________________________
3. WANNA FEEL REAL
CLERK
You spend all day workin’ for the man,
Gotta get ahead, gotta have a plan,
But all you can do is do all you can.
Who on earth am I workin’ for?
Manager keeps sayin’ that I gotta hurry up,
Customers got coupons and they never add up,
Everybody talkin’ and they never shut up.
But ain’t nobody listenin’…
Supposed to be chasin’ some kinda dream,
But sometimes you just gotta stand up and scream:
WHOA I wanna feel real!
WHOA I wanna take the wheel
In my hand,
Find the land
Where we’ll
WHOA… feel real!
I got no one who gets me and there’s no one I get.
No one to keep me goin’ when my fire ain’t lit.
I want it way more than I ever admit:
I gotta be somebody to someone.
Supposed to be chasin’ some kinda dream,
But sometimes you just gotta stand up and scream:
WHOA I wanna feel real!
WHOA I wanna take the wheel
In my hand,
Find the land
Where we’ll
WHOA… feel real!
[The CLERK has finished the podium and climbs atop it, inviting the shoppers and the audience to sing along.]
Everybody screamin' my name...
everybody grabbin' hold of my clothes...
and we are up ALL NIGHT!
[Practicing his guitar, the CLERK does the windmill, peace sign, and Texas rodeo arm swing.]
Show me the dream…
Somebody please show me the dream!
WHOA I wanna feel real!
WHOA I wanna take the wheel
In my hand,
Find the land
Where we’ll
WHOA… feel real!
__________________________________________
[The SHOPPERS continue to mill about the store, bringing the CLERK back to reality. The SHOPPERS mutter their lines as they shop.]
SHOPPER
Dude, I’ve been trying to check out for, like, 30 minutes!
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Bubble Yum keeps it poppin’
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Pardon me...do you have any Grey Poupon?
OLD WOMAN
They're Magically Delicious.
MANAGER
(to the audience, applauding) Stop! Stop! Stop!!!
(to the CLERK) Where’s the podium?
CLERK (proud)
You’re looking at it!
MANAGER
Beer cans?!
CLERK
Rockstar!
MANAGER
Might as well make it out of cat food!
CHORUS
Meow meow meow meow,
Meow meow meow meow,
Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow!
MANAGER
The VIP is some Russian politician.
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
What’s everyone scared about?
Commies are pussies!
MANAGER
Pussies are strong!
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM (deadlifting all her children)
YEEEEAAAHHH!
CLERK
So this dude’s a Soviet?
CHORUS
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
[As the CHORUS screams in fear, the RENT-A-COP pulls out his nightstick and springs into action.]
MANAGER
I don’t care what he is!
If this visit goes well I couldn’t finally, finally make Regional Manager!
CHORUS (triumphantly, like Rocky trumpets)
Bum, bum bum bum bum bum buummmm!!
CLERK
Why would he want to come here?
OLD WOMAN
Hungry?
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Needs some smokes?
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Maybe he’s gotta pee?
MANAGER
He wants to see a real American supermarket!
CHORUS
Bum, bum bum bum bum bum buummmm!!
[Enter RENT-A-COP again.]
RENT-A-COP
I secured the perimeter.
CHORUS
Thanks be to God…
RENIT-A-COP
You’re welcome!
MANAGER
Well UN-secure it!
(to herself) He’s about as useless as tits on a bull!
[The RENT-A-COP exits, looking down his own shirt.]
AND Corporate wants me to get a photo.
CLERK
Of what?!
MANAGER
Of the VIP!
CLERK
What, do you have a camera in your pocket right now?
[The MANAGER grabs a disposable camera off the shelf.]
MANAGER
These just came in!
Disposable cameras!
CLERK
So what’s next?
MANAGER
I don’t know, like, what if they combined the phone and the camera...
CLERK
No, I mean what should we do next?
MANAGER
Restock those Jell-O Pudding Pops.
CLERK
(wiggling his head) “You put the pudding in the pop….”
MANAGER
And DON’T do that Bill Cosby impression!
CLERK
No, you LOVE my Bill Cosby impression!
MANAGER
There’s something creepy about it.
CLERK
But, it’s like, objectively a good impression!
MANAGER
Eh… I’d give it a solid B+
CLERK (doubling down)
B+? Watch it again…
(after a painfully long pause) “Puddin… pop’…”
MANAGER (to herself)
Am I the only one that cares?
[An explosion interrupts her. Men in suits suddenly appear above her, with translucent smoke à la The Wizard of Oz.]
CORPORATE SUITS
MISS MANAGER!
MANAGER
(trembling) It’s the great and powerful… Corporate!
CORPORATE SUITS
SILENCE!
Now’s no time to get hysterical, sweetie!
Just grow a pair and do your job.
Wanna climb that ladder and be Regional Manager?
Get us the perfect photo of that VIP!
MANAGER
Yes sir, right away!
CORPORATE SUITS
AND ANOTHER THING!
MANAGER
(jumping) Jiminy Crickets!
CORPORATE SUITS
Try to smile more… you’ll look less…
NASTY.
[The CORPORATE SUITS disappear in a plume of smoke.]
__________________________________________
4. 9 to 12:15
MANAGER
They didn’t give me a lick of a warning.
In the space of a morning,
I’ve gotta wrangle this whole store!
They don’t give me a lick of respect,
But they expect
Me to be the boss man.
Somebody show me how to do it
Before I holler screw it….
It’s enough to make you give up
Before you do your makeup:
It’s a double-bind
Of the most all-git-out kind.
You got to be in charge,
Be bossy loud and large,
But no one likes a bitch.
Goddam this bait-and-switch!
Working 9 to 12:45
Then fifteen minute break then I’ve
Got 1 to 6:15
But night shift called in sick,
So then it’s 6:15 to 10
Then do it all again!
It separates the boys from the men!
Girl, you best say it with a grin:
A woman ain’t got time to win!
OLD WOMAN
Honey, can I speak to your manager?
MANAGER
You’re speakin’ to her!
OLD WOMAN
No really, I need to see the manager.
MANAGER
I’m the Manager.
OLD WOMAN
Oh my, you’re a cute young thing! Well perhaps you would know. I can’t seem to find the toilet paper anywhere.
MANAGER
Well isn’t that a national disaster!
Working 9 to 12:45
And earnin’ half the money…
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Ketchup?
MANAGER
It’s is a vegetable! Aisle 5!
Working 1 to 6:15
While fellas gettin’ handsy…
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Pregnancy test?
MANAGER
Aisle 9, right next to the cigarettes!
So then it’s 6:15 to 10
And God forbid I have a baby!
OLD WOMAN
Do I get my senior discount?
MANAGER
Nope, senior discount is on Wednesdays… Wednesdays… I SAID WEDNESDAYS!
OLD WOMAN
See ya Thursday!
MANAGER
It separates the boys from the men!
Girl, you best say it with a grin:
A woman ain’t got time to win!
I swear it’s no different than the ranch back home:
Boys always did know better.
Difference was, back then,
I had a chance to prove ‘em wrong.
What if one day, what if one day
I could just do my job?
What if one day, what if one day
I get what I want?
I wanted to make it in the city,
Be rich and pretty
Wanted to be bigger and badder.
They make me play that role…
And do cleaning, stock, and payroll!
Make sure you dream big enough,
Plus think about all the little stuff!
[The SHOPPERS serve as her backup singers.]
Hosting V.I.P.
This visit’s gonna make me
Make it to the top,
My one shot outta this shop!
I’ll be Regional
And overcome this lull
In my final upward climb,
I will finally hit my prime!
It will be MY TIME!
CHORUS
9 to 5!
__________________________________________
[The MANAGER exits to answer the ringing phone again. The sounds of cheesy Muzak are again heard.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Gillette...the best a man can get!
OLD WOMAN
What would you do...for a Klondike Bar?
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Silly rabbit...Trix are for kids!
[The RENT-A-COP enters and walks by the CLERK, talking into his wrist.]
RENT-A-COP
We got a suspicious character on Aisle 3.
CLERK
I’ve worked here for four years!!!
You’re not even talking to anyone!
Aren’t you tired of pretending?
RENT-A-COP
I am a Warrior of God, and I am NOT gonna let that Commie Pinko Russky violate the sanctity of this supermarket…
CLERK
You never know who might come in through the back door!
RENT-A-COP
What are you talking about?!
I get to handle a top Soviet official!
And all before my coffee break…
CHORUS
…with Folgers in your cup!
CLERK
Where did that come from?!
RENT-A-COP
You don’t understand, I took an oath to protect my country.
CLERK
Really? I didn’t know you were in the military!
RENT-A-COP
Not allowed.
CLERK
Oh. I’m sorry man.
Did you have an injury?
RENT-A-COP (glad that someone asked)
Thank you for asking!
Bone spurs actually.
But… that wasn’t the reason.
(completely earnest) I always wanted to protect people’s freedoms.
CLERK (getting fired up)
That’s rad man!
RENT-A-COP
Yeah!
The U.S. is the greatest best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth!
CLERK (buying into it, earnestly)
Right on!
So did you take, like, a Rent-A-Cop oath?!
RENT-A-COP
Sure did!
CLERK
So it’s a real thing?!
RENT-A-COP
“I solemnly swear to protect all malls, shopping centers, parking lots, food courts, restrooms, entrances, and exits, irregardless of time of day or length of shift, or location (with no mileage reimbursement) from enemies foreign and domestic…including, but not limited to Commies, Vermonters, and queers.”
CLERK (backing out of the exchange)
Oh my!
RENT-A-COP
Commies, Vermonters, & queers…
CLERK
Just them?
CHORUS (taking over with RENT-A-COP)
Commies, Vermonters & socialist democrat feminist libtards & snowflakes & gays
Are taking our healthcare & pronouns & God away!
CLERK (egging him on)
Well then there’s not a minute to spare!
What about that one?
[The RENT-A-COP accosts a shopper.]
RENT-A-COP
You!!!
CLERK
That one?!
RENT-A-COP
YOU!!!
(correcting himself) Oh, hey Frank!
CLERK (pointing to the OLD WOMAN)
What about her?!?!
RENT-A-COP
YOU!!!
OLD WOMAN (holding up the Enquirer with Trump on the cover)
Just grabbing my dailies!
Donald Trump is so handsome…
And all that hair to spare!
__________________________________________
5. FIGHT SEQUENCE
RENT-A-COP
YOU!!!
[The RENT-A-COP squares off to fight the OLD WOMAN. In his fantasy, she lifts her walker like a machine gun, throwing kicks and punches at him. The CHORUS eggs them on à la Karate Kid, until eventually the RENT-A-COP appears to win out over the OLD WOMAN.]
RENT-A-COP
I just wanna thank God for blessing me with the W. Nothing is possible without him. Thank you, God. Thank you, Don King for making this fight happen. God is good...God is good. Thanks to my trainer, thanks to…
[The OLD WOMAN winds up a crane kick and knocks the RENT-A-COP to the ground. As she shuffles off victoriously, the RENT-A-COP trips her. Suddenly the RENT-A-COP’s fantasy reverts to reality, with the old woman lying on the floor.]
OLD WOMAN
I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
__________________________________________
6. THE RUSSIAN IS EARLY
[The scene zaps back to reality. The MANAGER enters in a tizzy, stepping on the OLD WOMAN without noticing.]
MANAGER
The Russian is early!
He’s here!!!
CHORUS
AAAAHHHHH!
RENT-A-COP
Red Dawn! Red Dawn!
Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, give me the strength.
[He kneels to pray.]
OurFatherWhoArtInHeavenHallowedBeThyName…
[He peeks with one eye still closed.]
OurFatherWhoArtInHeavenHallowedBeThyName…
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Where’d I leave my gun?
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Protect my babies!
MANAGER
Everyone calm down!
OLD WOMAN
Well back in my day….
ALL (interrupting)
There’s no time!
CLERK
Shit’s about to get real!
__________________________________________
[As the terrified crowd looks to his arrival, a giant shadow of YELTSIN approaches. YELTSIN seems to miss his cue, entering late. He at last stumbles in at the wrong door, a bottle of Smirnoff in hand, and joins the crowd looking to his arrival. The RENT-A-COP sees him, screeches and faints in fear. The crowd looks at YELTSIN, terrified. After a loud belch, YELTSIN passes out drunk, crashing into a display of groceries. The MANAGER springs into action while the CLERK looks on, amused, munching on Pringles like popcorn in a theater. Everyone ignores the RENT-A-COP, and steps over him, except FRANK, who tries to get him up but fails with his one arm, and fans him with his dangly sleeve.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Told ya Commies were pussies.
MANAGER
That’s not a nice thing to say about pussies… our VIP!
OLD WOMAN
Is there a doctor in the house?
MANAGER
Good idea!
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Is he single?
MANAGER
Or she!
OLD WOMAN
No, really, my blood sugar’s low!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST (á la Wilford Brimley)
I too suffer from di-uhh-bee-tuhs.
MANAGER
I don’t need anybody else passin’ out.
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM (referring to YELTSIN)
He’s taller than I thought!
MANAGER
Give him some air!
OLD WOMAN
Get something in him!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Hair of the dog!
MANAGER
Don’t you dare!
CLERK AND MANAGER (speaking into the PA at the same time, the MANAGER out of desperation and the CLERK being a wise-ass.)
Cleanup on Aisle 7!
[YELTSIN comes to at the noise, and sits up. The CLERK brings him the Pringles.]
__________________________________________
7. I AM NOT IN U.S.S.R. ANYMORE
YELTSIN
I am not in U.S.S.R. anymore!
CLERK
Naw, man… you’re in Texas!
Don’t worry, it was weird for me when I first got here, too…
Dude, you fell like a house.
Eat this.
[YELTSIN takes a Pringle.]
YELTSIN
Is what?
CLERK
Pringles.
Chips… potatoes!
YELTSIN
How can American grow potato to fit in this can?
CLERK
What kinda Coke you want?
YELTSIN
There are different kind?
[The CLERK hands YELTSIN a Dr. Pepper.]
CLERK
Doctor Pepper?
YELTSIN
American healthcare come in a can?
[YELTSIN takes a small swig.]
CLERK
What flavor Alka-Seltzer do you want?
[YELTSIN puts the Alka Seltzer in his mouth, causing an explosion of foam.]
CHORUS
Plop, plop, fizz fizz…
Oh, what a relief it is!
__________________________________________
[As the CLERK helps YELTSIN up, VLADIMIR enters hurriedly.]
VLADIMIR
6ooc… what happened?!
YELTSIN
Vladimir… fine bodyguard you are!
Pará tï blat gyenyy!
[The RENT-A-COP recovers and stands.]
RENT-A-COP
What’s that? What’d he say?…
(to VLADIMIR) Hey! You! Don’t mess…
[The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR lock eyes and share a spark.]
…with Texas!
[The MANAGER leads YELTSIN to the podium for his speech.]
MANAGER
Forgive the podium.
YELTSIN
Is greatest I have ever seen!
CLERK (ribbing the MANAGER)
Rockstar!
YELTSIN
Good days, ladies and gentlemens…
I am Boris Nicolaeovich Yeltsin.
(to VLADIMIR) Vladimir, prepare music.
[VLADIMIR breaks out a cassette and boombox for the official Soviet underscoring, but accidentally puts on B side and plays Dirty Dancing first, followed by other 80’s dance hits. He quickly corrects the error, and plays the Soviet National Anthem.]
(reading from the official speech) “In time of Perestroika, USSR have send me here today in cultural exchange between our two great nation. I see New York, NASA Space Center of Johnson…”
Ah, you are bored…
[YELTSIN stops the tape player.]
__________________________________________
8. JOKE #1
YELTSIN
Good politician start with joke:
They say America is free country, because any man can stand in front of White House and say “Fuck Ronald Reagan!”
But USSR is free country also. Man can stand in Red Square and shout:
“Fuck Ronald Reagan!”
__________________________________________
[The crowd is baffled.]
VLADIMIR
(rigidly) Ha!
Stick to prepared remarks.
YELTSIN
But they were bored!
VLADIMIR
Party is always watching.
YELTSIN
But the people…
VLADIMIR
Chemu vy mogli by nauchit'sya u etikh urodlivykh amerikantsev? (What could you possibly learn from these ugly Americans?)
YELTSIN
My zdes', chtoby posmotret', pust' pokazhut. Pust' nam rasskazhut. (We are here to see things, let them show us. Let them tell us.)
VLADIMIR
Politbyuro zabotitsya ob uspekhe. Nam plevat' na … (Politburo cares about success. We don’t give a fuck about…)
YELTSIN
(sliencing VLADIMIR) No! I speak from heart.
__________________________________________
9. YELTSIN UNLOADS
[YELTSIN folds up his prepared remarks.]
YELTSIN
Party send me to find real America,
But I not know what am looking for.
Am I failure? Am I already a failure?
MANAGER, CLERK, RENT-A-COP, & VLADIMIR
Whoa…
Am I a failure?
YELTSIN
Why does Party send me here?
Yeltsin the drunk old ox…
Let him take tour, smile, shake hand…
Let him hang on a while longer, let him do no harm…
[Everyone stands back, stunned that YELTSIN is opening up like this.]
But I will show them what ox can do!
I will plow, I will plant.
New thing I grow here, today.
But if I don’t…
I will be failure…
I will be failure.
Am I… am I….
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
[YELTSIN vomits.]
MANAGER
O Dear God!
CLERK
My podium!
RENT-A-COP
Holy Santorum Batman!
[The onlookers begin to wretch as well — all of which can be carried on for an uncomfortably long time. Eventually everyone except the CLERK, MANAGER, and YELTSIN exits to recover. The CLERK brings YELTSIN a copy of the National Enquirer to wipe his mouth. YELTSIN recognizes Trump on the cover.]
__________________________________________
YELTSIN
Is man from New York!
I saw his unimpressive tower!
[YELTSIN throws up a little one last time one the image of Trump. The MANAGER enters, and pulls the CLERK aside.]
MANAGER (to CLERK)
This is a disaster…
Now I’ll never make Regional Manager!
CHORUS (like Rocky trumpets)
Bum, bum bum bum, bum bum…
MANAGER (to CHORUS)
NOT NOW!
AND NOT FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW!
CLERK
Have a heart…
He just blew chunks.
Relax!
MANAGER
I can’t just relax!
I need you to clean up.
CLERK
(rapid-fire muttering, to himself) Oh sure, yay, I get to clean up vomit from a minor Soviet official who randomly showed up at my job…
MANAGER
Yes! I need you to do your job… (manic) AND reset the podium AND get the customers in line AND do what needs to be done without my asking…
CLERK
I shouldn’t even be here! I should be practicing…
[The MANAGER approaches YELTSIN.]
YELTSIN
So this Clerk… you can hire boyfriend in America?
MANAGER
(flustered) No, Him?! Psshhh… No…
(collecting herself and redirecting) What do you do for work?
YELTSIN
I am Congressman of People’s Deputies to a Seat on the Supreme Soviet of The Soviet Union.
USSR is, how you say… top-heavy?
RENT-A-COP
Who’s a top?! [Exit.]
MANAGER
Sounds like we do the same thing…bosses don't know if they're a washin' or a hangin’!
VLADIMIR
Who’s hung?! [Exit.]
YELTSIN
To be Manager, how many degrees must you study in school?
MANAGER
None!
As long as I don’t wear that white pants suit I’ve got hanging in my closet.
Gotta keep it feminine.
[The MANAGER turns to the cosmetics section.]
__________________________________________
10. Purely cosmetic
MANAGER
You got your crimping irons, sweatbands, hair bows,
Aqua Net and teasing combs,
Noxema, Scrunchies, banana clips,
Your Clairol benders, Salon Selectives,
LA Looks and Poodle Perms,
Caboodles, oodles of Caboodles!
Jelly bracelets, neon lipstick,
Clearasil and Epilady,
Lee Press-On Nails!
YELTSIN
In Russia, we have soap.
__________________________________________
YELTSIN
Where does it all come from?
MANAGER
The back of a truck.
YELTSIN
What if back of truck is bare?
VLADIMIR
Bear? [Exit.]
RENT-A-COP
Back? [Exit.]
MANAGER
That’s never happened!
YELTSIN
Your supply chain not stop?
MANAGER
Nope!
YELTSIN
Your workers refuse to come?
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR (rapid-fire à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In. They say the line together, then recoil.)
Refuse to come?!
MANAGER
Workers always wanna work in America!
__________________________________________
11. JOKE #2
YELTSIN
You do not know joke in U.S.S.R.?
Soviet go to buy car.
He pay for car.
Car man say: “Good. Come back in ten year, car will be ready.”
And Soviet say, “Morning or afternoon?”
Then car man say, “What difference can it make in ten year?”
And Soviet say, “In morning comes plumber!”
VLADIMIR (deadpan)
Ha!
__________________________________________
[The CLERK joins them in the cosmetics section.]
CLERK
Oh C'mon now! He don't wanna see that girly stuff.
MANAGER
Says the man who wears hairspray and spandex!
CLERK
Naw man, that’s serious rock star stuff!
I’m worried about this poor guy!
This man’s been ON THE ROAD!
YELTSIN
You are on road much?
CLERK
I’m gonna be! Got Battle of the Bands tonight…
YELTSIN
Battle… like, rocket?
RENT-A-COP (rapid-fire à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
Rocket?!
VLADIMIR (rapid-fire à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
In pocket?!
CLERK
No! Rock n’ roll!
MANAGER
(To YELTSIN) He’s really good!
[The CLERK looks at her, confused.]
CLERK (to the MANAGER)
You’ve never seen me play!
MANAGER (with a flirty shrug)
OK…
CLERK (in disbelief)
You’ve never seen me play…
MANAGER
What? A girl can’t go out after work?
CLERK
You’ve seen me play? Where? Was that at The Pinewood, The Alamo, The Broken Spoke?
Man, I played like shit at The Broken Spoke…
YELTSIN (to the CLERK, interrupting)
So you are not just grocery clerk?
CLERK
Naw man, I’m a rockstar!
I can’t be held down workin’ in some supermarket!
I got new songs just spillin’ out of me.
I could write a song about anything!
Ooooh, speaking of…. I got Battle of the Bands tonight.
You should come!
YELTSIN
I came here to see American grocery store.
CLERK (wounded)
Ahhh…
YELTSIN (feeling bad)
Ah, but, uh… sing for me now!
Make me,,, (looking around) cheese song.
MANAGER (needling the CLERK)
Yeah… make him cheese song.
[The CLERK quickly improvises.]
__________________________________________
12. A cheesy moment
CLERK
Here you got your cheeses.
Your fancy-type cheeses:
Your Colby, your Swiss, your Feta, your Velveeta…
CHORUS
When the cookbook calls for cheddar,
Make it with Velveeta. It cooks better!
CLERK
…and cheeses essential for life on the road:
slice, string, and spray.
[The CLERK whips out the can and sprays some in his mouth.]
YELTSIN (inspecting the aerosol spray can)
Is like missile…
Can shoot anywhere!
CLERK
Open up, down the hatch!
[The CLERK sprays some cheese into YELTSIN's mouth.]
YELTSIN
Mmmmmm….
__________________________________________
MANAGER (cutting them off)
(to CLERK) You really think he came all this way to eat spray cheese?!?!
They’ve got cows in the USSR…
(to YELTSIN) I mean, you do have cows, don’t you?
YELTSIN
Collectively… yes.
But I grow up on farm!
(distantly) Was different time…
MANAGER
Talkin’ about livestock….
I’d like you to meet some of our regulars.
Real Texas folk!
[Enter CHORUS as TEXAS SHOPPERS in cowboy attire.]
__________________________________________
13. DEEPER IN THE HEART OF TEXAS
MANAGER
They’re my friendly neighbors, riding their horses,
On their ranches and rodeos,
Holding on to a special kind of feeling
For the Lone Star and the Yellow Rose…
Of Texas!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Howdy partner!
Yee-Haw! etc.
MANAGER
Why don’t y’all tell us some more about Texas?!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
We’ve got steers and bulls and cows and heifers,
Holstein, Jersey, Belgian Blue!
Pecos Bill, The Alamo,
Big football, oil, and barbecue!
And book depositories!
In Texas!
MANAGER
Wait, what?!
Book depositories?
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Hell yeah!
You know it!
Best around! etc.
MANAGER
But why don’t you tell us about the REAL Texas?
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Aw, you wanna know the REAL DEAL, little girl?
MANAGER
Uhh… yeah!
You know, prairie sunsets and cowboy boots and all that!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Well hold onto your ten-gallon hat!
We’ve got saddles, Stetsons, lasso ropes,
And shiny holsters for our guns!
Spurs and chaps and bolo ties
And duster jackets, fringe, and guns!
Ammo clips and full magazines
And long leather straps for all our guns!
Silencers and laser sights,
And we should also mention guns!
Trigger warning!
Paintball guns, staple guns,
Nail guns, stun guns,
Shotguns, semi-automatics!
In Texas!
MANAGER (increasingly nervous)
Uhhh… how about y’all square dance instead?!
(through the store PA) Bow to your partner, nice and slow.
Bow to the corner, and here we go!
Sixteen hands that join in a circle,
Kick them boots and Do-Si-Do!
Circle to the left!
Roll Away to a Half Sashay…
Circle to the right!
Women in the center, men Sashay!
Spin your partner round and round!
Do-Si-Do, don’t hit the ground!
And Prooommmmenade!
[The RENT-A-COP is featured in the dance, cutting flamboyantly loose. VLADIMIR is pushed into the circle, uncomfortable, and quickly steps out again. The RENT-A-COP realizes he must shut himself down as well.]
YELTSIN
Is customary to dance in American supermarket?
They dance for joy at so much food!
MANAGER
Naw, they dance ‘cause I’m callin’ the shots!
You wanna try?
VLADIMIR
(to YELTSIN) Don’t do it!
MANAGER
Like this: Ladies in the center, Men Sashay!
Circle round the room and start your Zoom!
[YELTSIN is unable to keep up with the MANAGER, who takes the PA back in rhythm each time.]
YELTSIN
(through the PA, distorted) Ladies In… Men… Zoom?! (YELTSIN fails to call the dance)
VLADIMIR (to YELTSIN)
You are becoming embarrassment!
MANAGER
Ladies Chain and Allemande!
YELTSIN
Chain ladies and… the Germans?!
VLADIMIR
I tell you it not work!
MANAGER
Shoot the Star and Separate!
[The CHORUS begins to dance towards YELTSIN.]
YELTSIN (jumpy, screaming into the PA)
Shoot! What?! Separate! Separate! SEPARATE!
VLADIMIR
You are terrible leader.
YELTSIN
I try to connect with people!
VLADIMIR
You will NEVER be leader!
YELTSIN
I lead a different way.
[YELTSIN frustratedly puts down the mic and goes into the open space on the dance floor. After a moment of hesitation, he shows the people his own crazy brand of dancing (see YouTube). YELTSIN plays the spoons, while the SHOPPERS hoot and holler. YELTSIN plays a rhythm on the spoons and the SHOPPERS knee slap the reply, as in a typical hoedown.]
YELTSIN
Amazing!
Tell me more.
What DON’T you have in Texas?!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
We’ve got no…
Sissy city slickers with their tiny dogs and kale and AIDS…
MANAGER
Oh, dear God… What? etc.
TEXAS SHOPPERS
No condoms, contraceptives, no Planned Parenthood or power grids!
No dirty needles, no new vaxxes, no new taxes, read my lips!
No immigrants, health benefits, no welfare, crime, or government!
MANAGER (mortified)
UUHHHH no — stop talking!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
We were gonna say some racist stuff!
MANAGER
I don’t wanna hear your race theory!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST (protesting)
Aww, come on! It was gonna be great!
MANAGER
It’s canceled!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
That’s racist!
MANAGER
Come on, tell ‘em what you DO have!
What makes Texas REALLY GREAT?!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
We are NUMBER ONE…
MANAGER
Yeah! That’s it!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
In faith-based curriculum!
MANAGER
Huh?
TEXAS SHOPPERS
In miles of border wall!
MANAGER
That’s nothing to brag a--
TEXAS SHOPPERS
In voter restriction laws!
MANAGER
I swear to God...
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Incarceration rates!
MANAGER (losing it)
Please just shut up!
TEXAS SHOPPERS (triumphantly)
AND in executions — IN TEXAS!
MANAGER
For fuck’s sake STOP!!!
__________________________________________
[The TEXAS SHOPPERS whisk YELTSIN away. The CLERK approaches, bewildered by the shoppers exiting with the VIP.]
CLERK
Yeehaw!
(noticing her distress) Ya feelin’ okay?
MANAGER
(overly dramatic) Oh, fine…
CLERK
Are you sure?
That kinda went off the rails there.
MANAGER
Watching my career go down…
VLADIMIR & RENT-A-COP (rapid-fire, disappearing, à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
On who?
MANAGER
(to VLADIMIR & RENT-A-COP) Whom!
(continuing to the CLERK)…one off-color joke at a time.
No one listens to me.
CLERK
Look, today’s gonna be a win-win.
You’re gonna get Regional, and I’m gonna rock Battle of the Bands.
Someday… you’re gonna make grocery history.
MANAGER (rapid-fire muttering)
Yeah, getting stuck on hold hosting a bizarro VIP out of nowhere and cleaning up after gun-totin’ supermarket cowboys and my career topping out in middle management for a third-tier franchise and…
CLERK (interrupting)
Come on, this isn’t ALL bad…
MANAGER
What do you mean it’s not all bad?!
They yelled the word AIDS!
VLADIMIR (rapid-fire, disappearing, à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
AIDS?
RENT-A-COP
Ew!
VLADIMIR
Nope!
RENT-A-COP
Mmmmmm…..
MANAGER
Dancing, guns, a healthy aroma of barf and Lysol...
It was pretty much like your show at The Broken Spoke!
CLERK
Oh, I knew you came to that one!
Hey why didn’t you stick around and say hey?
MANAGER
Well I figured you got your day job and your real dream,
And you don’t want the two to mix…
CLERK
Nah, it woulda been okay.
Only problem with this job is when I’m here I’m not practicing.
And if I’m not practicing I’m dying inside.
MANAGER
Why would you need to practice? You’re killer!
CLERK
You’re about the only one to notice.
MANAGER
(flirting) Not getting noticed? I know the feeling…
CLERK
I did notice a pretty girl at the bar… between sets… at that show…
MANAGER
(messing with him) Ummm…I meant my corporate bosses…
CLERK
(tongue-in-cheek) Right, …that’s what I meant too.
Bosses never noticin’ what you’re after…
MANAGER
Hey! I like spending time with you
CLERK
I like spending time with you too.
MANAGER
(sheepishly opening up) I guess that’s why, like…
I coulda called in Frank today, but…
CLERK (coming back to his senses)
You WHAT?!?!
[The CLERK’S NEMESIS (CHORUS SOLO) enters, in 80’s rock makeup.]
NEMESIS
I see you’re still stuck in the fluorescent-lit aisles of endless obscurity…
Axl of Chode is gonna kick your ass at
(heavy metal voice) B.O.T.B.!!!!!
CLERK (to the NEMESIS)
I’ll be ready!!!
NEMESIS
(to MANAGER) Hey, can you tell me where I could find…
MANAGER, RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR (interrupting the NEMESIS)
Douches are in Aisle 6!
CLERK (still annoyed with the MANAGER)
Don’t you have something important to do?
[The CORPORATE SUITS appear in a plume of smoke.]
CORPORATE SUITS
WHY haven’t you gotten that photo yet?!
You’ve got to make us look GOOD!
MANAGER
Working on it!
I just haven’t found the right shot.
CORPORATE SUITS
Don’t get wishy-washy and embarrass us!
MANAGER
I won’t.
And by the way, while you’re here, I have some ideas for the store that could…
CORPORATE SUITS
QUIET TOOTS!
[The CORPORATE SUITS disappear, and the MANAGER has a stunned moment to herself.]
__________________________________________
14. THE FUTURE
MANAGER (to herself)
What if one day…
What if one day I wasn’t in this alone?
What if one day I could turn the supermarket into… the dream. The dream that pulled me off that farm, and into this crazy life… a magical place…
Where one day, customers send orders by fax,
Check themselves out when they’re done,
Curbside service!
Electronic payment!
Meal kits!
Home delivery!
No one else can see
What this could be…
CLERK
I got no one who gets me and there’s no one I get.
I gotta be somebody to someone.
Whoa… I wanna feel real… Whoa…
__________________________________________
YELTSIN, wearing a new cowboy hat, has slipped onstage with his newfound Texas drinking buddies from the hoedown, who have clearly snuck him off to a bar in the meantime.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
“So then I says to Neil and Buzz…
It’s just rocket science!”
ALL
Hahahahahaa!
__________________________________________
15. JOKE #3
YELTSIN
Ah yes I have joke also!
American CIA train spy to go to USSR. Is best spy in history: he study for years Russian culture, language, clothing everything perfect. He fly commercial to Moscow to be inconspicuous. Big moment. He step off plane.
Immediately baggage man say: “Hey, look! Is American!”
Spy say: “How did you know?”
Russian say: “You’re black!”
VLADIMIR (deadpan, after the laughter has cleared)
Ha!
__________________________________________
YELTSIN (to the CLERK)
CLERKSTAR!!!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
(to YELTSIN) Make sure you give him that big Texas greeting we taught you!
YELTSIN
Ah yes! Is… Yippe-kay-ay Motherfucker!!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Hahahahahaa!
CLASSIC!
[The TEXAS SHOPPERS exit, wishing YELTSIN well.]
CLERK
Yeah, we don’t really say that to anybody here…
YELTSIN
I still wait on tour of grocery.
[The MANAGER crosses on her way to the butcher counter.]
CLERK
(secretly to the MANAGER) Well since FRANK can’t do the tour, I guess we’ll proceed accordingly…
YELTSIN
(to CLERK, looking over his shoulder) What is like to work for girlfriend?
CLERK
Girlfriend! Psshhh….
[The CLERK and YELTSIN rapid-fire, snowballing over each other, ad lib.]
YELTSIN
Girlfriend, yes, I watch you two…
CLERK
No, she’s my…
YELTSIN
She pretty!
She smart!
CLERK
I mean… I work for her….
YELTSIN
She dance!
She like my Nania!
CLERK
I mean not for her…. she’s…. like, OK she came to my band concert….
YELTSIN (knowingly)
Ah, so she get you discombobulate!
CLERK
I mean she’s frustrating, because she’s always right…
YELTSIN (freely, over the CLERK)
Oh, just like my Nania…
CLERK
…but not about me… like…
YELTSIN
You must make your move.
CLERK
Make my move?
YELTSIN
Yeah, make your move!
CLERK
What are you talking about?
YELTSIN
You need to grow… Yaichki!
[YELTSIN gestures “balls,” increasingly frantic to convey his meaning.]
Yaichki! Yaichki!
CLERK
Dude, stop bustin’ my balls.
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
Balls?!
[Pause, then back-and-forth:]
Nuts.
Junk.
Marbles.
Huevos.
Gonads.
Stones.
(together) Plums.
Kahones.
The boys.
(together) Tom & Harry.
Cocksack.
Pebbles.
Tackle.
Danglers.
Scrotebag.
Ballocks.
Peaches.
Family jewels.
Rocky Mountain oysters.
Teabag.
Meat clackers.
Wrinklepurse.
[Pause, then triumphantly together:]
Male genitalia!
RENT-A-COP
Yahtzee!
VLADIMIR (correcting him)
Yaichki!
RENT-A-COP
Ah…
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
Yaichki!
YELTSIN (resuming former conversation as if nothing happened)
I may look like bureaucrat,
But I know people.
CLERK
Look, you came here to see see a supermarket…
We now carry frozen calamari.
[The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR flirt with hand gestures throughout the below section, getting increasingly lewd as they go.]
__________________________________________
16. THE LANGUAGE BARRIER
YELTSIN
Look at its testicles!
CLERK
Tentacles.
YELTSIN
Is testicles?
CLERK
Tent-a-cles.
YELTSIN
Right.
Test-i-cles.
CLERK
Whatever, man.
[The CLERK turns to see the RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR, and they freeze.]
__________________________________________
YELTSIN (hearing the MANAGER tenderizing meat)
What is this mighty drum?
CLERK (seeing the MANAGER)
Ah! I think she’s takin’ care of the cows ya’ll were talkin’ about.
YELTSIN
Oh! I can see real American livestock!
CLERK
No, I mean - they ship the meat from God knows where.
YELTSIN
I must see!
[YELTSIN walks towards the MANAGER. The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR resume their silent flirtation, getting hotter and heavier throughout the following sketch.]
__________________________________________
17. BEAT THE MEAT
YELTSIN
What is this?
MANAGER
Top-grade Texas red meat!
YELTSIN
What you do to it?
MANAGER
I’m tenderizing it.
YELTSIN
You are beating it.
MANAGER
Mmm-hmm, to make it tender.
YELTSIN
You beat your meat so is not hard anymore?
MANAGER
That’s right, in Texas we don’t like leaving our meat hard.
YELTSIN
Can I beat your meat?
MANAGER
Sure!
[YELTSIN steps around the counter and takes over. He gathers up the cheesecloth below the meat.]
YELTSIN
While I beat your meat, should I hold the sack?
MANAGER
That’s called a cheesecloth.
YELTSIN
So people like to put one hand down on the sack while they beat their meat?
MANAGER
Not quite…
YELTSIN
Everyone! Everyone!
Come watch me beat my meat!
MANAGER
Ooh! A photo opportunity!
YELTSIN
I remember my grandfather was farmer,
And I used to spend all day beating my grandfather’s meat.
MANAGER
What kind of farmer was he?
YELTSIN
He have…how do you say in American…
The cock.
MANAGER
Chickens?
YELTSIN
Yes, the cock.
He have great big cock.
MANAGER
Why, my Daddy had a chicken farm!
YELTSIN
You like the cock, and I like the cock.
(to the crowd) Who else loves the cock?
[Everyone turns to look at the RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR. They have worked themselves into a human pretzel.]
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
Sorry we missed our cue!
YELTSIN
Each afternoon he would take me out behind the barn,
And I would beat the meat of his enormous cock until it was pink…
[The MANAGER raises her camera.]
MANAGER
Say “Cheese!”
[YELTSIN misses the meat counter, and hammers himself in the crotch just as it flashes.]
CLERK
Ooooh… right in the tentacles!
YELTSIN (from the floor)
Test…i…cles…
__________________________________________
[VLADIMIR approaches YELTSIN on the floor.]
VLADIMIR
Serves you right.
YELTSIN
Vladimir, you really are awful bodyguard!
VLADIMIR
Awful?
What's awful is for you to be seen dancing…
And with these depraved capitalist pigs!
You behave like ox!
YELTSIN
Better than sheep.
VLADIMIR
Sheep?!
You have forget ideas of original Bolshevik Revolution!
Before this doormat Gorbachev,
Before Brezhnev, before Khrushchev, before Stalin
Was Premier… Chairman Vladimir Ilyich Lenin…
He break ancient yoke of Czar!
He cast glorious promise near and far:
“Peace, Land, and Bread…”
YELTSIN & VLADIMIR
“Peace, Land, and Bread…”
YELTSIN (with a whiff of recognition)
“Peace, Land, and Bread…”
__________________________________________
18. DECADENT, UNFETTERED WESTERN CAPITALIST EXCESS
VLADIMIR
But all I see here is…
Decadent, unfettered Western capitalist excess!
Decadent, unfettered Western capitalist excess!
Money-drunk incorporation make consumer slave buy useless product:
ALL LIES!
Decadent, unfettered Western capitalist excess!
Every man attempting to take more than his comrade!
If you have to have the haves,
then you have to have the have nots!
IS FACT!
In Union of Soviet Socialist Republic,
Every man have equal share of food and labor.
Maybe none have much of it,
But every man have some of it!
When Communist government solve a problem,
They make sure solution stick!
Guarantee birth rate, guarantee housing,
guarantee medicine, guarantee infrastructure… IS GOOD!
YELTSIN
Don’t lecture me on Communism.
You are bodyguard!
VLADIMIR
Bodyguard?!
Am here to keep eye on you!
YELTSIN
That is problem!
You are too paranoid!
VLADIMIR
Soviet have always be paranoid!
YELTSIN
(exasperated) Exactly!
That is why we open up!
VLADIMIR
No!
We must go BACK.
Capitalist influence is dangerous!
YELTSIN
But Communism is generate no wealth!
VLADIMIR
Too much wealth make greed.
Things come at cost of people!
YELTSIN
But people here have something to live for!
And can speak up if they don’t!
VLADIMIR
Speak?! What can they say?
(mocking Americans) Scooby Dooby Doo? What you talkin’ bout, Willis? That’s all folks?
YELTSIN
And what can Soviet DO?!
Join State Planning Committee? State Planning Subcommittee? Fill out form? Wait in line? Bureaucracy!
VLADIMIR (gesturing about)
Monopoly!
YELTSIN
Inertia!
VLADIMIR
Inequality!
YELTSIN
Autocracy!
VLADIMIR
Lawlessness!
YELTSIN
Blind collectivism!
VLADIMIR
Blind individualism!
YELTSIN & VLADIMIR
Government collapse!
[They pause, realizing the impasse.]
YELTSIN
Pish posh!
That will never happen here.
VLADIMIR
You sound like one of them.
YELTSIN
Shut up.
Know your place.
VLADIMIR
Know yours.
[VLADIMIR calls out to the CHORUS to help him shut YELTSIN down.]
Oh, boooooyyyys!
[The CHORUS and CHORUS SOLOISTS (FRANK, OLD WOMAN, PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM WITH TWINS, THE COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST) join VLADIMIR and don Soviet uniforms but Cossack hats. They do an increasingly frantic Cossack dance, and YELTSIN is nearly overtaken by them. VLADIMIR ends breathless. The RENT-A-COP fans himself in adoration and claps alone.]
__________________________________________
RENT-A-COP
If this is Communism, sign me up!
[The CHORUS SOLOISTS begin rapidly interrogating YELTSIN, befuddling him.]
OLD WOMAN
In Russia, can you get free prescriptions?
FRANK
A one-handed job?
RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR (popping up as before)
Hand job? [Exit.]
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM (to YELTSIN)
Free birth control?
VLADIMIR
Sure…
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Can you buy guns?
YELTSIN
No.
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Can you find a man?
YELTSIN
Yes!
VLADIMIR
No.
OLD WOMAN
Can someone get my cake?
YELTSIN (to OLD WOMAN)
Cake? Where is cake?
[Throughout below, the shoppers react in comic horror to the CLERK and MANAGER’s tiff.]
MANAGER (digging hard at the CLERK)
Do the workers wanna work?
CLERK (mocking the MANAGER’s voice)
"Do the workers wanna work?”
MANAGER
Do they have delusions of grandeur?
CLERK (digging hard at the MANAGER) — EXPAND C/M DISAGREEMENT
Do heartless managers call them in on their day off?
MANAGER
FRANK HAS ONE ARM!!!
FRANK
I’m sorry!
BOTH (to FRANK)
Just go, just go…
MANAGER
I said I was sorry!
CLERK
I don’t recall an apology…
[The CHORUS surround YELTSIN à la press conference, noisily ad libbing questions. VLADIMIR starts in with crowd control, trying to hold them off YELTSIN. YELTSIN realizes he must diffuse the tension.]
__________________________________________
19. Joke #4
YELTSIN (defusing the tension)
Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke…
Soviet go into grocery store.
He say to clerk: “You don’t have any meat?!”
Clerk say: “No. Here, we don’t have any fish. Store that not have any meat is across street.”
VLADIMIR
No Ha.
__________________________________________
CLERK & MANAGER (accidentally speaking together)
That sounds horrible.
YELTSIN (rigid)
Is not horrible…
We win World War II…
We has Sputnik, Cosmonaut, and we has them first!
We make woman equal of man.
Workers can each live dream!
Is that so horrible?
We reach out to world!
VLADIMIR (to YELTSIN, patting him on the shoulder, supercilious)
6oos, they’ll never understand.
YELTSIN (disturbed by his own defense)
I not come to talk about Russia!
You have horrible things too!
I see it in news.
Show me American news!
[The CLERK hands him a tabloid.]
__________________________________________
20. Real news
(suddenly sincerely amazed and overjoyed) Jimmy Hoffa is alive?
In Elvis’s grave?!
Alien come down to worship… [page turn]
Oprah?!
CLERK
Dude, you grabbed the wrong one...
YELTSIN (ignoring him)
(to CLERK) This Bat Boy…
Is in baseball?
CLERK
Naw, man, that’s like, a mutant kid.
YELTSIN
(dismissively) Bat Boy we already has…
In Chernobyl.
VLADIMIR
Too soon.
CLERK
This news is all fake…
See, it’s up by the candy bars — just for fun!
If you believe all this stuff, you’d believe that a cabal of Satan-worshipping…
MANAGER (seeing the future again)
…pedophiles…
CLERK
…were harvesting the…
MANAGER
…blood of children…
CLERK
…in the back of a…
CLERK & MANAGER (connecting)
…pizza restaurant!
CLERK (back to being angry with the MANAGER)
I’m still mad at you.
YELTSIN (still lost in the tabloid)
No, is all miracle to me.
CLERK
What do you mean?
YELTSIN
You American live on rainbow!
Look!
CLERK (reading over YELTSIN’s shoulder)
Donald Trump…
YELTSIN
Donald Trump…
CLERK
…after hosting Wrestlemania…
YELTSIN
…after hosting Wrestlemania…
CLERK & YELTSIN
…might consider running for President!
[The CLERK and YELTSIN snicker, then begin laughing uncontrollably. Everyone re-enters and joins them, riffing on the absurdity of a Trump presidency. Then all erupt into a sardonic “opera laugh” for an uncomfortably long time, riffing on current events ad lib.]
RENT-A-COP
How many people would die if that happened?!
MANAGER (horrified)
AND he’s gonna try to storm the Capitol on January 6th and try to kill the Vice President and he might just get away with it.
CLERK
And he’d be up for re-election!
__________________________________________
OLD WOMAN (rapid-fire)
I’m not getting any younger, in fact, I am worried I may die of old age… or that woman’s going to have a baby, or those two queers are going to get married…
[The RENT-A-COP looks around innocently.]
…before I get my cake.”
YELTSIN (to the OLD WOMAN, exiting)
Tell me more about this cake…
VLADIMIR & RENT-A-COP
Cake?!
MANAGER (interrupting their schtick)
That’s not even a euphemism!
RENT-A-COP (to VLADIMIR)
I’ll euph your ism.
VLADIMIR (to RENT-A-COP)
Will eat your cake.
RENT-A-COP
(to himself) Kinda has a ring to it.
(rapid-fire porn talk, to VLADIMIR) You get over here, you get the fork over here. Yes, yes, yes, I’m gonna shove those forking genitals all over that frickin’… yes, yes, yes, I'm gonna forking fork you so freakin’ hard…
VLADIMIR [stumbling porn talk over RENT-A-COP]
Eat it and smear all over face and eyeballs, you are whore, you are my proper whore daddy, I must eat all man…
MANAGER
Oh, get a room!
VLADIMIR (eyeing the CLERK as he says it)
You too, queen.
[VLADIMIR exits, trailing YELTSIN.]
RENT-A-COP
(to himself) Dear God… what are you doing?
__________________________________________
21. DEMONS OUT
RENT-A-COP
What if one day, what if one day…
I could be free… of these urges?
What if one day I could be
The way God wants me to be
Instead of the way
God made me?
VLADIMIR (having realized the RENT-A-COP was flirting with him, turning around)
I must break him.
(to RENT-A-COP) Meet me in back.
We will compare night-sticks.
RENT-A-COP
(about to act on his urges) Well Leggo my Eggo!
[The RENT-A-COP comes to himself, and hears demonic voices offstage.]
(à la The Church Lady) Could it be…. SATAN?!
No, no, get away Satan — be gone!!!
[He opens one eye fearfully, and sees the MANAGER and CLERK approaching from opposite directions.]
CLERK
Dude, it’s just us!
[The RENT-A-COP suddenly assumes the role of preacher.]
RENT-A-COP
Brothers and sisters in Chrisssssss…
CLERK
What?!
RENT-A-COP
I got to tell you something that’s on my heart,
CLERK
Ooohhhh, are you talking about being—
RENT-A-COP
I got to confess a thing that’s been a’troublin’ my spirit….
MANAGER
You mean the fact that you’re g—
RENT-A-COP
I got to lay it on the Altar of GAWD…
CLERK & MANAGER
Really dude, it’s totally fine, you can just come out w—
RENT-A-COP
I GOT TO TESTIFY…
I don’t think I’m st…st…st…
Still supposed to be workin’ security!
I grew up a Godfearin’ young man,
And I always had this dream… what if one day,
I could start my own church?
Where everybody could just siiiiiinnnnnggg,
And there could be lights, and drums, and beautiful choir robes…
And everybody got to be real,
Got to be themselves…
And I was gonna call it The Bible Baptist Church…
(picturing the giant sign) BBC!
And BBC was gonna grow
And insert itself in every holy place.
All over this land,
BBC was gonna be the biggest, and the best,
And give the largest anointing…. [lost in thought]
[Enter CHORUS and YELTSIN.]
Brothers and sisters in Chrisss….
CHORUS
Oooohhhh….
RENT-A-COP
I never started my church.
CHORUS
Aaaaahhhh….
RENT-A-COP
I lost my way!
CHORUS
No shit….
RENT-A-COP
And perhaps someone here today
Has lost their way
And needs to rectify,
Needs to justify,
Needs to testify!
Somebody needs to get real!
Somebody needs to get healed!
I say: Ditch that doubt,
And get them…
Demons out!
Gotta get them demons out….
Everybody got some cross to bear,
Everybody got a secret to share.
Lemme help y’all brethren out,
Lemme tell you what it’s all about,
Gotta get them demons out….
Gotta get them demons out….
Everybody got a holy dream,
Everybody ain’t who they seem.
Lemme help y’all brethren out,
That devil will make you doubt,
Gotta get them demons out….
(to the CLERK) Testify, brother!!
CLERK
I got to tell you, I thought I was gonna make it big, but I don’t know anymore! I know I don’t belong in this job, and I know I wanna break out in rock and roll, but I’VE BEEN HERE FOR FOUR YEARS. It’s like my real life is here! Show me the way!!!
RENT-A-COP
(healing the CLERK) Gotta get them DEMONS OUT!
YELTSIN
Bog khorosh! [“God is good!”]
RENT-A-COP
(to the CLERK) One day the kids are gonna be screaming your name!
(to the MANAGER) Testify, sister!!
MANAGER
I’ve been climbing and climbing, and I’m going nowhere. AND I’m climbing all over people to do it! That’s not who I am! Even if I do lean in and have it all and get my dream, I won't have anyone to share it with!
RENT-A-COP
(healing the MANAGER) Gotta get them DEMONS OUT!
YELTSIN
Bog khorosh! [“God is good!”]
RENT-A-COP
(to the MANAGER) One day, you’re gonna develop all your negatives!
(to the others) Demons out,
Demons out…
[The RENT-A-COP heals various shoppers. Finally he tears FRANK’s cast off, causing FRANK to scream in pain and run away.]
Who else?!
[Everyone pops their raised arms behind their backs.]
How about you, Brother Boris?
Testify…
YELTSIN
My whole life have been ways of Communist Party. But now I see ass bodyguard…
RENT-A-COP (as if patting his own face with a handkerchief)
Amen…
YELTSIN
…and see it flop about…
RENT-A-COP (toking an air cigarette)
Nice n’ sweaty…
YELTSIN
…and I wonder: is there other way?!
RENT-A-COP
Gotta get them demons out….
[The RENT-A-COP heals YELTSIN, and he reels, stunned.]
Last call!
Tell me what’s on your hearts!!!
Testify…
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
I love immigrants.
OLD WOMAN
I'm 44 years old.
FRANK
I think my other arm is starting to hurt.
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
I only have one black friend.
OLD WOMAN
I pushed baby Jessica in the well.
FRANK
I’ve consulted a lawyer.
[Growing, speaking over each other.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
I was a safety officer for the Challenger. Football is boring. I voted for Michael Dukakis!
OLD WOMAN
I was JFK’s lover. I was on the grassy knoll.
FRANK
I plan on suing each and every one of you for workplace negligence.
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
I HAD AN ABORTION.
[The music screeches to a halt. The CHORUS gasps in disgust.]
(matter of fact) But it was before conception!
CHORUS
(suddenly ok) Ahhh!
RENT-A-COP
Demons out!
Gotta get them demons out….
Ain’t nobody a perfect saint,
Can’t nobody show restraint.
Come lemme help you brethren out,
Come gimme one big long juicy shout!
Gotta get them DEMONS OUT….
I GOT THE TONGUES IN ME!
CLERK
The what?
RENT-A-COP
I got the tongues in me… flicking all the way inside of me!
CLERK
What the fuck?!
RENT-A-COP
The Holy Sprit came in me and filled me with his grace.
And now I want all y’all to prophesy all over my face!
CLERK
Ooooohhhhh….
MANAGER
I don’t know what it means!
RENT-A-COP
You got to let the spirit speak in its own hidden way.
You can’t have any sense of what it is you’re gonna say!
MANAGER
Still no idea…
CLERK
How do you do it?
RENT-A-COP
It’s like my mamma said to me when I was a little boy…
It was my earliest memory, and mamma said it
In the tenderest, and softest, and sweetest voice I ever heard:
(twitching) SHA-MA-TI-KA-MA-SA-LA-LI-ZA-MI-NEL-LI-BAR-BA-RA-STREI-SAND-PRET-TY-IN-PINK-LI-KA-MA-BAL-A-SAC-A
MANAGER
Oh God!
CLERK
Hell yeah!
RENT-A-COP
Now you try it!
YELTSIN
Eta zhenshchina rasskazala mne ob etom torte, i ya ne mogu dozhdat'sya, chtoby yego s"yest', tort - moy lyubimyy, kak dolgo ya poluchu svoy tort, ya tak goloden… [“This woman told me about this cake, and I can’t wait to eat it, cake is my favorite, how long until I get my cake, I am so hungry…”]
RENT-A-COP
I think that’s Russian…
CLERK
No, no, no… I got this...piece of cake...
it's just like AC/DC! Angus Young!
[The CLERK rolls on the floor with wailing sounds.]
RENT-A-COP
He a little confused, but he got the spirit!
(to the MANAGER) Now you go!
MANAGER (hesitantly)
GA-LA FU-JI KI-KU MAC-IN-TOSH…
RENT-A-COP
You can do better than that!
MANAGER
HAVA NAGILA SHABAAT SHALOM SHLEMIEL SCHLIMAZEL YENTIL…
RENT-A-COP
Keep going!
MANAGER
GLORIA STEINEM MAR A LAGO MERRICK GARLAND ALLAH AL JAZEERA ADMIRAL ACKBAR BA-BA-BOOEY BOKO HARAM BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!!
RENT-A-COP
That’s the way, sister!
Demons out!
Gotta get them demons out….
Everybody got a secret tongue,
Everybody gotta get it sprung!
Come lemme help you brethren out,
Come lemme suck that evil out!
Gotta whip them DEMONS OUT….
[VLADIMIR, with SOVIET DEMONS, suddenly approach, their nightsticks conspicuously positioned. The BAND NEMESIS trails them with death metal enthusiasm.]
AAAHHHH!! It’s Satan incarnate!
VLADIMIR & SOVIET DEMONS
Proletarii vsekh stran, soyedinyaytes'!
Minet, Minet, etc.
RENT-A-COP
NOW THE FINAL TEMPTATION IS UPON ME.
NOW ALL THE RED FORCES SWELL
THEIR MIGHTY, MIGHTY MUSCLES:
SATAN AND THE BIGGER, REDDER EVIL…
COMMUNISM!
NOW I GOT TO REACH BACK…
CLERK
Testify!
RENT-A-COP
NOW I GOT TO REACH AROUND…
CLERK & MANAGER
Testify!
RENT-A-COP
NOW I GOT TO TAKE HOLD OF THAT THING
THAT IS DEEP INSIDE OF ME…
CLERK, MANAGER & YELTSIN
Testify! Testify!
What’s inside you?!
RENT-A-COP
I’M CLOSE! I’M GETTING CLOSE!
IT’S MY… FAITH!
AND
IT
WILL
CAST…
YOU…
OOOOUUUUUTTTTTT!!
[The SOVIET DEMONS disappear, and the others celebrate in a long gospel playout.]
Gotta get them demons out…
Gotta get them demons out…
Ain’t nothin’ gay
(Ain’t nothin’ gay)
Ain’t nothin’ gay
(Ain’t nothin’ gay)
Ain’t nothin’ gay
About Gospel!
Gotta get them DEMONS OUT!!!
__________________________________________
[VLADIMIR storms off, crying. The crowd disperses as the RENT-A-COP says farewell to each of them like a preacher in the back of the church: “See you next Sunday,” “Peace be with you,” etc. As the scene transitions back, we see that the RENT-A-COP is actually checking the shoppers’ receipts at the door of the grocery. YELTSIN follows the OLD WOMAN, clearly interested in the cake. The CLERK and MANAGER awkwardly walk off together, downstage.]
CLERK (encouraging, but eyeing his watch)
I didn't know you felt that way.
MANAGER
Me neither.
CLERK
Hang in there…
There’s still time to get that photo.
MANAGER
I’m sorry about today.
You’ll make it to your thing on time.
CLERK & MANAGER (leaning into one another slowly)
And maybe one day…
Maybe one day…
Maybe one day…
[The OLD WOMAN enters unnoticed. YELTSIN follows close behind her.]
OLD WOMAN (into the PA, absurdly loud)
Maybe one day I’ll get my goddam cake.
YELTSIN (into the PA, absurdly loud)
Yah, what she said.
MANAGER & CLERK (together, lurching stop-start)
I’ll go --
No, I’ll go --
It’s okay --
I can get it --
Do you wanna —
(absurdly together) No really I’m here to help you and we should make the end of this visit go off beautifully… together.
MANAGER
No, no, really, I’ll get it.
(to the CLERK, knowingly) And I’ll hurry.
[Exit MANAGER to fetch the cake. She probably trips.]
CLERK (to YELTSIN & OLD WOMAN, framing a good photo)
You stand here, and you stand here… ad lib.
__________________________________________
22. THE MIRACLE ON ICING
[The MANAGER returns with the cake, amazed that the CLERK has staged a great photo.]
MANAGER
Oh my God! (grabbing her camera)
YELTSIN
Is like a great hockey room!
MANAGER
It’s our best seller!
It shows the 1980 Olympics.
CLERK (to YELTSIN)
Man, we licked you good that time!
MANAGER
It’s called the Miracle on Icing!
3,2,1…
[YELTSIN swipes a fingerful of icing.]
Mr. Yeltsin, don’t move!
[YELTSIN freezes with his finger in his mouth.]
No, I mean get your finger out of your…. there we go…
OLD WOMAN
Hey, that’s mine!
MANAGER
It’s fine, just get back in place…
Say cheese!
[YELTSIN begins to bear-claw the cake. The OLD WOMAN starts to fight over the cake with YELTSIN. The CLERK tries to get everyone back into position. The MANAGER starts to melt down, her photo ruined. The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR rush onstage, and the OLD WOMAN beats him down a second time. VLADIMIR fails to control YELTSIN. All characters ad lib freakout, as long as desired. Eventually YELTSIN is uncontrollably eating by the fistful, his face and clothes covered in the completely destroyed cake.]
OLD WOMAN (all characters improvise based on following)
(à la Dirty Harry) You gotta ask yourself… Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
CLERK
Calm down… no need to argue… ad lib.
MANAGER
Why can’t I get this photo?!
YELTSIN (taunting the OLD WOMAN by taking another fistful)
Tastes like victory!
OLD WOMAN
These old legs are gonna kick your ass!
YELTSIN
Bring it, bitch.
MANAGER
All goddam day with this camera…
CLERK
Stop, stop, stop…
OLD WOMAN
I believe in miracles!
CLERK
Holy shit!
OLD WOMAN
Give it back, you Commie fucker!
YELTSIN
Don’t you call me fucker!
[YELTSIN and the OLD WOMAN begin to fight in earnest.]
MANAGER
Can’t catch a fuckin’ break!
CLERK
Mr. Yeltsin, could you please just give me this cake…
OLD WOMAN
My cake!
[The whole mess of cake ends up flying into the MANAGER’s face, destroying her entire outfit.]
MANAGER
(to ALL) GET… OOOUUUTT!!!
__________________________________________
[Everyone scurries away. The CORPORATE SUITS appear.]
CORPORATE SUITS
CALM DOWN!
Don’t be so emotional.
You’ve got blood coming out of your eyeballs, or your…
WHEREVER…
MANAGER
Hey, you can’t say that!
CORPORATE SUITS
Clean up the mess, get that photo, or YOU’RE DONE!
MANAGER
What?!
CORPORATE SUITS (patronizing)
Listen sweet tits: get the photo… Regional Manager.
Don't get it… pink slip.
[The CORPORATE SUITS disappear in a puff of smoke.]
__________________________________________
23. SMASHDANCE
MANAGER
I wanted to make it in the city…
Be rich and pretty…
Wanted to be bigger and badder…
Cowgirl fresh off the range
Figured she could up and change
The whole damn supermarket industry…
Is it over now? Ain’t no more….
Am I really, truly done for?
Guess I’ll never get that new store
I’m always dreamin’… oh…
Why’s the future always seemin’ so…
So real?
YELTSIN (in a voice similar to CORPORATE)
MISS MANAGER…
MANAGER (mistaking him for the CORPORATE SUITS)
What do you want now?!?!
YELTSIN
To say sorry.
MANAGER
Oh, it’s you…
YELTSIN
Sorry I break your store.
MANAGER
Maybe it’s for the best.
YELTSIN
I am ox...but you grow up on farm.
You know ox is most power.
MANAGER
I mean, my daddy’s farm was chickens, but…
YELTSIN
Ah yes, the c--
MANAGER (interrupting)
…but I still know what you mean.
YELTSIN
People think ox is clumsy,
But ox make things happen.
MANAGER
Oh, yeah!
On the chicken farm, we used to say:
“If you wanna make an omelette,
You gotta break some eggs!”
YELTSIN
Ah! Is good!
“If wish to cook omelette,
You must break cock egg!”
[YELTSIN and the MANAGER look around and slowly start smashing grocery items in a joyous frenzy.]
YELTSIN
You must break it…
MANAGER
I must break it?
YELTSIN
First you take it!
MANAGER
Like, from the shelf?
YELTSIN
Yes!
Then you take it, break it, make it go away!
MANAGER
Um… all right…
YELTSIN
First you take it…
MANAGER
Gimme that!
YELTSIN
It go smash…
MANAGER
With a splash!
YELTSIN
We go bash…
MANAGER
In a flash!
MANAGER & YELTSIN
Gotta smash your life if you wanna find yourself!
We must break it!
MANAGER
Has breaking stuff up worked for you?
YELTSIN (smiling)
It has make me be in trouble.
MANAGER
Isn’t there something you could break over in the USSR?
YELTSIN
I not have store like you!
MANAGER
Then open one!
YELTSIN
What you mean?
MANAGER
Like, I don’t know, maybe you go back with the infinite sense of freedom and possibility you just felt in the average American supermarket, and after briefly entertaining the notion of opening your own line of supermarkets, rise to influence as the RSFSR Chairman, and use that as a position from which to ultimately destabilize Mikhail Gorbachev’s already-weakened Communist government, and get yourself elected President before following through with the Belavezha Accords, in which leaders of multiple countries declared that the Soviet Union no longer existed, quote, “as a subject of international law and geopolitical reality,” and, skipping over various legislative technicalities, kick off a whole new decade of unchecked capitalism in a newly minted post-Soviet Russia which, though it was styled as ‘Free,” nevertheless failed to be able to absorb the sheer economic voltage hit of American-style, cutthroat-competitive, free-market, old-fashioned, by-God capitalism, your own country’s cronyist and essentially-still-Soviet political culture instead fostering rampant hyperinflation and inter-governmental conflict until your death in 2007, at which point history’s verdict will be…well… still out on you, for quite a while.
YELTSIN
No, I mean, like, break this jar.
[The CHORUS of SHOPPERS helps them break things.]
MANAGER
You must break it!
YELTSIN & MANAGER
We must break it!
Gotta smash your life if you wanna find yourself!
Smash your life if you wanna find yourself!
And break it!
__________________________________________
[The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR cross center stage, clearly in a lovers’ quarrel.]
RENT-A-COP (wounded from the cake scuffle)
The power of Christ compels you!
VLADIMIR (wounded from the cake scuffle)
Capitalist pig!
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
This will never work.
RENT-A-COP
Because I’m... (charades alluding to the impossibility of their relationship, ad lib)
VLADIMIR
Because I’m…
RENT-A-COP
But I'm also…
VLADIMIR
But I'm also…
RENT-A-COP
And you're also...
VLADIMIR
(to RENT-A-COP) This tour is over.
(to YELTSIN) 6ooc, this tour is over.
[YELTSIN does not hear him, infatuated with the grocery.]
It is time.
We must go, now.
Now!!!
[VLADIMIR claps rudely to get YELTSIN’s attention. A light turns on. YELTSIN walks over to the light and claps it off. ]
CHORUS
The Clapper!
VLADIMIR (dead serious, putting his hand on YELTSIN’s shoulder)
Comrade, vremya idti. [“Time to go.”]
[YELTSIN then claps the lights on and off many times, punkishly looking at VLADIMIR and clapping. He turns. The flickering lights show him a giant ruby-red radish and he walks slowly over to it.]
YELTSIN
Look, look!
I have not see this!
[YELTSIN picks up a giant ruby-red radish.]
This is what I remember.
CLERK
Remember from where?
__________________________________________
24. Just a boy
YELTSIN
I was just a boy.
I was just a boy when Soviets
Push my family off their land.
They take our whole harvest…
I was hungry,
Always hungry.
I was…
Just a boy…
__________________________________________
[The CLERK’s watch alarm suddenly begins beeping.]
MANAGER
You gotta get going! It's okay…go!
[The CLERK doesn’t respond as the watch continues to beep.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Win one for the Gipper!
OLD WOMAN
Sing it like Sinatra!
PREGNANT SHOPPER
Rock stars are hot. Go get ‘em!
FRANK
Make me whole again!
BAND NEMESIS
Hell man, we can carpool!
MANAGER
Don’t worry, I’ll see you tomorrow.
CLERK
You will?
MANAGER
Yeah, you’re on the schedule!
CLERK
I don't WANNA go!!!
YELTSIN
Your clock have beeped.
You must leave!
[The CLERK sits down on the floor next to YELTSIN.]
CLERK
No… this is it!
I wanna be here.
I think I’m supposed to rock and roll for you.
YELTSIN
Ah! You will make me new song!
__________________________________________
25. Make your move
CLERK
Sometimes the future you’re dreamin’ of
Means that you got to throw away
Something you think you love,
Means you gotta seize the day,
Make your move…
Make your move.
(handing the guitar to YELTSIN) Here… take this… you try.
YELTSIN
“Sometimes the future you dreams about…”
CLERK (teaching YELTSIN)
Of… dreamin’ of…
YELTSIN
“Means that you got to…”
Toss?
CLERK
Throw away…
YELTSIN
“Something you think you love….”
CLERK
That’s right!
YELTSIN
“Means you got to seize the day,
Make your move.
Make your move.”
(to himself) How can I seize day?
What do I do?
Come on, Boris Nicolaeovich….
Make your move….
CLERK
Yeah! See, now you can add some real rock n'roll moves...
Like the windmill.
Now you try it.
And the Kiss tongue…
[YELTSIN tries each move in turn.]
That's right!
Hell, Pete Townshend, at the big moment
used to SMASH HIS OWN GUITAR!
Oh man...That's exactly how
I was gonna do it at the show today:
A windmill…
Into a peace sign…
Into the Texas Rodeo Swing…
[YELTSIN tries the three moves along with the CLERK.]
CLERK, YELTSIN, & CHORUS
Make your move.
Make your move….
Sometimes the future you’re dreamin’ of
Means that you got to throw away
Something you think you love,
Means you gotta seize the day,
Make your move…
Make your move.
[YELTSIN, eager to try his new rock star moves, lifts the CLERK’S guitar above his head to smash it à la Pete Townshend. The CLERK stops him at the last second.]
CLERK (seeing YELTSIN, in horror)
WHOA!!!!
__________________________________________
YELTSIN
Communism is LIE!
VLADIMIR
6oos… what are you saying?
This store have capture your mind.
YELTSIN
YES!
They have radish the size of potato!
They never run out of food!
They have hockey cake, missile cheese, frozen testicles!
Not even Politburo eat like this!
What have we done to our poor people?!
They starve because of Party!
They starve because of YOU!
[YELTSIN grabs VLADIMIR by the collar and throws him to the ground. The RENT-A-COP approaches.]
__________________________________________
26. This must be love
RENT-A-COP
Nobody puts Vladdy in the corner!
[A Dirty Dancing scene begins.]
(to VLADIMIR) Come here you sexy devil…
VLADIMIR
I must make unfettered revel…
With you.
CHORUS
This must be love…
[VLADIMIR slowly turns to face the RENT-A-COP, then leaps high into his arms à la Patrick Swayze. Together, they exit.]
YELTSIN
Good for them!
__________________________________________
MANAGER
Yeah, good for them!
[CORPORATE rings for the MANAGER.]
MANAGER
Hi, yeah, no no no, it’s all going totally fine…
You know it’s funny, I was trying to get the picture, and… I’m trying to explain…
[rapid-fire interruptions] I…I was… I didn’t…
Excuse me, I’m speaking. I’M SPEAKING.
You know what? I quit!
YELTSIN (into phone)
Yippe-ki-yay motherfucker!
YELTSIN and MANAGER
Gotta smash your life if you wanna find yourself…
CLERK
WHAT? I JUST DECIDED TO STAY!!!
YELTSIN (to MANAGER)
Thank you.
Visit here show me what I must do for my people.
[The MANAGER and YELTSIN shake hands.]
YELTSIN
Goodbye, Miss Manager.
MANAGER
Goodbye, Mr. Yeltsin.
CLERK
Quick, the camera!
[As YELTSIN and the MANAGER embrace, the SHOPPERS toss the disposable camera towards the CLERK, working together. With his good arm, FRANK makes the final catch. The CLERK nabs the great photo-op at last.]
Frank!
(to the MANAGER and YELTSIN) Smile!
MANAGER
You did it!!!
[The MANAGER kisses the CLERK on the cheek.]
YELTSIN
Rockstar!
[The MANAGER exits.]
CLERK
Did ya find what you were lookin’ for?
YELTSIN (to the CLERK and MANAGER)
I find real America in you.
CLERK
Man, I’m just a grocery clerk.
YELTSIN
Not… just.
Oh!
I forget souvenir!
[YELTSIN grabs the Enquirer with Trump on the cover.]
Russian people will LOVE him!
CLERK
Man, it’s been real.
Wherever you go, I hope you rock and roll.
(holding up a peace sign) Hey… show me the move…
[YELTSIN does the peace sign, and together they do the Texas Rodeo Swing.]
Yeah! ROCKSTAR!
[The CLERK exits, leaving YELTSIN alone. The lights go down on the grocery store.]
__________________________________________
27. home
YELTSIN
I wake up from Soviet ideas.
Way up high in ideas is nothing.
I can bring Russian people home
To land, to harvest, to feast…
This must be why I was climbing.
This must be what my life was searching for.
Somewhere over in Mother Russia,
Today, a boy is hungry.
And I can feed him!
I can show the way home.
No one else have heart, mind, courage to do.
Why, oh why can’t I?
Why can’t I lead us home?
Home…
Home…
[The grocery store vanishes. In a video montage, we see news footage of the real Boris Yeltsin toppling the USSR, and becoming the first president of a free Russia — waving the Russian flag in the Texas Rodeo Swing and giving the peace sign as Beethoven 9 roars in the background. Eventually the music subsides, and the CLERK steps back onto the empty stage, a little older now.]
__________________________________________
CLERK
Who woulda guessed that a visit to a grocery store… ended the Cold War?
MANAGER (wearing her white pants suit)
After I quit, I took some time to think it over… and then I started my own supermarket chain!
CLERK
She bought out those corporate assholes.
MANAGER
And guess who writes all our jingles!
RENT-A-COP
I started my own church.
A place where people can be who they’re meant to be!
[He dons a collar.]
MANAGER
And now they have the most fabulous weddings!
[VLADIMIR pops up, as before.]
RENT-A-COP (to the CLERK)
And talking about weddings…
CLERK
Yeah, we tied the knot.
VLADIMIR
So did we!
CLERK
And now I’ve got a new band:
Got people puttin’ their hands on me,
Screamin’ my name,
And we are UP ALL NIGHT!
[He takes a kid from the MANAGER’s arms, and she returns to her work.]
MANAGER
Thanks, honey!
CLERK
Now I’m a REAL rock star.
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
Now… love is love.
MANAGER
The future is female.
CLERK
And one ordinary person can CHANGE THE WORLD!
[Enter YELTSIN.]
YELTSIN
Not bad for a drunk old ox!
[YELTSIN joyously embraces each of his old friends in turn.]
__________________________________________
28. Freedom (reprise)
CLERK, MANAGER, RENT-A-COP, & YELTSIN (to the audience)
How hungry are you for freedom?
CHORUS (to the audience)
WHOA, yeah we need it,
Yeah we bleed it —
Freedom!
NO, can’t conceal it,
Can’t repeal it —
Freedom!
Any life you want make it,
Any prize you want take it,
Any doubt inside break it.
CLERK, MANAGER, RENT-A-COP, & YELTSIN
How hungry are you America?
CHORUS
GO and light the fire,
Never tire,
Raise it higher --
Whoa!
ALL
Make your move!
Sometimes the future you’re dreamin’ of
Means that you gotta throw away
Something you think you love… etc.
I wanna feel real… etc.
How hungry are you America?
MAKE YOUR MOVE!
SHOPPER 1
This is it! This is the store!
SHOPPER 2 (standing nearby, confused)
What store?
SHOPPER 1
This is the store Boris Yeltsin visited.
SHOPPER 3
Oh, the guy with the stain on his head?
SHOPPER 1
No, that was Gorbachev.
SHOPPER 2
The guy with the mustache, who killed millions?
SHOPPER 3
Stalin!
SHOPPER 2
The dude who got his ass kicked by Ukraine?
ALL
Putin!
SHOPPER 1 (earnest)
In a way, he was all of us…
ALL
Shut the fuck up!
EMPLOYEE (passing by with his mop, then exit)
Ya’ll gonna make me miss my break.
This muthafucka was the first president of free Russia.
Big drunk guy.
SHOPPER 3
Aren’t they all?
SHOPPER 2
Wait, Russia wasn’t free?
SHOPPER 1
Communism.
You know, like, early Socialism.
SHOPPER 2
He was Bernie Sanders?!?!
SHOPPER 3
No! The Soviet Union!
SHOPPER 4
They were our enemy…
The Evil Empire…
SHOPPER 1
Duck and cover!
SHOPPER 2
Animal Farm!
SHOPPER 1
Well, it was way better on paper!
SHOPPER 3
Empty storefronts.
SHOPPER 4
Riots.
SHOPPER 1
Government shutdowns.
SHOPPER 2 (referring to the present day)
So… now?
SHOPPER 3 (correcting him)
No, the Cold War.
SHOPPER 2
So did we win?
EMPLOYEE (passing by with his mop, then exit)
I sure as fuck didn’t.
SHOPPER 1
This is where Boris Yeltsin took down the U.S.S.R.
SHOPPER 2
In Houston??
SHOPPER 1
In 1989.
SHOPPER 4
He got a taste… of freedom.
__________________________________________
2. FREEDOM
[The lights change as the scene travels back to 1989. The SHOPPERS all toss their cell phones, and break out 80’s costumes and hair.]
CHORUS
WHOA we got a decade
With an upgrade —
Freedom!
SHOW us what we can’t do
With our brand new
Freedom!
Gonna be a transformation,
Gonna be a liberation,
Taking over every nation.
GO and expand it,
And demand it —
Freedom!
[Lights up on the MANAGER, on the phone in the supermarket, and the CLERK, at home in his 80’s rock band garb.]
OLD WOMAN (to MANAGER)
Yes, I’d like to order a hockey cake…
MANAGER
(to the OLD WOMAN) One moment…
(Into the phone) Hello? YELTSIN?
Who’s that?
And you want a picture of him?!
(exasperated) I’m on it.
[She calls the CLERK.]
CLERK (answering)
Calling to wish me luck?!
MANAGER
No, I need you to come in today.
CLERK
What do you mean I gotta come in? I told you…
MANAGER
I know. I need your help!
CLERK
Okay, okay, sure… I’ll uuhh… I’ll be there.
[He hangs up, and the MANAGER hops back over to the call with CORPORATE.]
OLD WOMAN (to MANAGER, continuing her order)
… with vanilla icing and I’d like the little players… (super-specific cake instructions ad lib)
MANAGER (into the call with CORPORATE)
A Russian?!
Sure, I’ll hold.
[The RENT-A-COP hears the word “Russian” and springs into action, pushing the OLD WOMAN away.]
RENT-A-COP
A Russian?!
(speaking into nonexistent ear unit) Red Wolf to Velveteen Otter, this is Gray Bear on the move…
MANAGER
I’m gonna need you to tone it down today.
OLD WOMAN (to MANAGER, continuing her order)
…with a little bit of sprinkles on top…
RENT-A-COP (to the OLD WOMAN)
That’s a fabulous purse!
OLD WOMAN
What?
RENT-A-COP
(macho) I need to check your purse.
OLD WOMAN
I have a granddaughter you should meet.
Her name is Dorothy.
RENT-A-COP
What’d you call me?!
OLD WOMAN
So you want to meet my grandson?
MANAGER
(into phone) I need FLAGS?!
RENT-A-COP
(to MANAGER) What the fuck did you call me?!
MANAGER
A RENT-A-COP!
RENT-A-COP
(into imaginary ear unit) Loud and clear, Pink Twink….
MANAGER (into phone)
He’s coming NOW?!?!
CHORUS
WHOA, yeah we need it,
Yeah we bleed it —
Freedom!
NO, can’t conceal it,
Can’t repeal it —
Freedom!
Any life you want make it,
Any prize you want take it,
Any doubt inside break it.
GO and light the fire,
Raise it higher —
Freedom!
CHORUS SOLO
Everything is bigger…
CHORUS
In Texas!
CHORUS SOLO
Everything is brighter…
CHORUS
In neon!
Everything is possible in 1989.
CLERK, MANAGER, & RENT-A-COP
How hungry are you for freedom?
CHORUS
WHOA, yeah we need it,
Yeah we bleed it —
Freedom!
CLERK, MANAGER, & RENT-A-COP
How hungry are you for change?
CHORUS
NO, can’t conceal it,
Can’t repeal it —
Freedom!
Any life you want you make it,
Any prize you want you take it,
Any doubt inside you break it.
CLERK, MANAGER, & RENT-A-COP
How hungry are you America?
CHORUS
GO and light the fire,
Never tire,
Raise it higher —
WHOA!
Freedom!
__________________________________________
[THE SUPERMARKET, 1989: shoppers pass by, bored, to the sounds of cheesy Muzak and jingles. The MANAGER is there, and the RENT-A-COP stands by.]
OLD WOMAN
M'm! M'm! Good!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
They're Greeeeeeat! (poking the belly of PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM)
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
(à la Pillsbury Doughboy) Hmm—hmm!
CLERK (rushing in, wiping off his Kiss-inspired eye makeup, carrying his electric guitar)
(to the MANAGER) I can’t believe you called me in today!
MANAGER
You were the closest.
CLERK
Frank lives next door!
MANAGER
Frank has one arm!
CLERK (to himself)
Fraaannnk…
MANAGER
There’s a VIP coming for a tour today.
CLERK
I’ve got Battle of the Bands tonight! I’ve told you like a million times!
I’ve got to be out by 3, and not a minute longer!
CHORUS
Go Longer With Big Red!
CLERK (to the MANAGER)
I’ve got an extra ticket if you want one…
MANAGER (distractedly, looking at her clipboard, ignoring him)
Balloons, streamers…
We need a podium…
CLERK (to himself, befuddled)
There’s no podium in a grocery store…
CLERK
Got my trusty Casio Calculator watch alarm set.
As long as nothing weird happens,
I can rock and ROOOLLL outta here in time…
Run away!
Dead or Alive!
Livin’ on a Praaaaayer!!!!
MANAGER (annoyed)
PODIUM!
[The CLERK sings to himself, assembling a makeshift podium out of beer boxes.]
__________________________________________
3. WANNA FEEL REAL
CLERK
You spend all day workin’ for the man,
Gotta get ahead, gotta have a plan,
But all you can do is do all you can.
Who on earth am I workin’ for?
Manager keeps sayin’ that I gotta hurry up,
Customers got coupons and they never add up,
Everybody talkin’ and they never shut up.
But ain’t nobody listenin’…
Supposed to be chasin’ some kinda dream,
But sometimes you just gotta stand up and scream:
WHOA I wanna feel real!
WHOA I wanna take the wheel
In my hand,
Find the land
Where we’ll
WHOA… feel real!
I got no one who gets me and there’s no one I get.
No one to keep me goin’ when my fire ain’t lit.
I want it way more than I ever admit:
I gotta be somebody to someone.
Supposed to be chasin’ some kinda dream,
But sometimes you just gotta stand up and scream:
WHOA I wanna feel real!
WHOA I wanna take the wheel
In my hand,
Find the land
Where we’ll
WHOA… feel real!
[The CLERK has finished the podium and climbs atop it, inviting the shoppers and the audience to sing along.]
Everybody screamin' my name...
everybody grabbin' hold of my clothes...
and we are up ALL NIGHT!
[Practicing his guitar, the CLERK does the windmill, peace sign, and Texas rodeo arm swing.]
Show me the dream…
Somebody please show me the dream!
WHOA I wanna feel real!
WHOA I wanna take the wheel
In my hand,
Find the land
Where we’ll
WHOA… feel real!
__________________________________________
[The SHOPPERS continue to mill about the store, bringing the CLERK back to reality. The SHOPPERS mutter their lines as they shop.]
SHOPPER
Dude, I’ve been trying to check out for, like, 30 minutes!
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Bubble Yum keeps it poppin’
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Pardon me...do you have any Grey Poupon?
OLD WOMAN
They're Magically Delicious.
MANAGER
(to the audience, applauding) Stop! Stop! Stop!!!
(to the CLERK) Where’s the podium?
CLERK (proud)
You’re looking at it!
MANAGER
Beer cans?!
CLERK
Rockstar!
MANAGER
Might as well make it out of cat food!
CHORUS
Meow meow meow meow,
Meow meow meow meow,
Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow!
MANAGER
The VIP is some Russian politician.
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
What’s everyone scared about?
Commies are pussies!
MANAGER
Pussies are strong!
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM (deadlifting all her children)
YEEEEAAAHHH!
CLERK
So this dude’s a Soviet?
CHORUS
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
[As the CHORUS screams in fear, the RENT-A-COP pulls out his nightstick and springs into action.]
MANAGER
I don’t care what he is!
If this visit goes well I couldn’t finally, finally make Regional Manager!
CHORUS (triumphantly, like Rocky trumpets)
Bum, bum bum bum bum bum buummmm!!
CLERK
Why would he want to come here?
OLD WOMAN
Hungry?
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Needs some smokes?
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Maybe he’s gotta pee?
MANAGER
He wants to see a real American supermarket!
CHORUS
Bum, bum bum bum bum bum buummmm!!
[Enter RENT-A-COP again.]
RENT-A-COP
I secured the perimeter.
CHORUS
Thanks be to God…
RENIT-A-COP
You’re welcome!
MANAGER
Well UN-secure it!
(to herself) He’s about as useless as tits on a bull!
[The RENT-A-COP exits, looking down his own shirt.]
AND Corporate wants me to get a photo.
CLERK
Of what?!
MANAGER
Of the VIP!
CLERK
What, do you have a camera in your pocket right now?
[The MANAGER grabs a disposable camera off the shelf.]
MANAGER
These just came in!
Disposable cameras!
CLERK
So what’s next?
MANAGER
I don’t know, like, what if they combined the phone and the camera...
CLERK
No, I mean what should we do next?
MANAGER
Restock those Jell-O Pudding Pops.
CLERK
(wiggling his head) “You put the pudding in the pop….”
MANAGER
And DON’T do that Bill Cosby impression!
CLERK
No, you LOVE my Bill Cosby impression!
MANAGER
There’s something creepy about it.
CLERK
But, it’s like, objectively a good impression!
MANAGER
Eh… I’d give it a solid B+
CLERK (doubling down)
B+? Watch it again…
(after a painfully long pause) “Puddin… pop’…”
MANAGER (to herself)
Am I the only one that cares?
[An explosion interrupts her. Men in suits suddenly appear above her, with translucent smoke à la The Wizard of Oz.]
CORPORATE SUITS
MISS MANAGER!
MANAGER
(trembling) It’s the great and powerful… Corporate!
CORPORATE SUITS
SILENCE!
Now’s no time to get hysterical, sweetie!
Just grow a pair and do your job.
Wanna climb that ladder and be Regional Manager?
Get us the perfect photo of that VIP!
MANAGER
Yes sir, right away!
CORPORATE SUITS
AND ANOTHER THING!
MANAGER
(jumping) Jiminy Crickets!
CORPORATE SUITS
Try to smile more… you’ll look less…
NASTY.
[The CORPORATE SUITS disappear in a plume of smoke.]
__________________________________________
4. 9 to 12:15
MANAGER
They didn’t give me a lick of a warning.
In the space of a morning,
I’ve gotta wrangle this whole store!
They don’t give me a lick of respect,
But they expect
Me to be the boss man.
Somebody show me how to do it
Before I holler screw it….
It’s enough to make you give up
Before you do your makeup:
It’s a double-bind
Of the most all-git-out kind.
You got to be in charge,
Be bossy loud and large,
But no one likes a bitch.
Goddam this bait-and-switch!
Working 9 to 12:45
Then fifteen minute break then I’ve
Got 1 to 6:15
But night shift called in sick,
So then it’s 6:15 to 10
Then do it all again!
It separates the boys from the men!
Girl, you best say it with a grin:
A woman ain’t got time to win!
OLD WOMAN
Honey, can I speak to your manager?
MANAGER
You’re speakin’ to her!
OLD WOMAN
No really, I need to see the manager.
MANAGER
I’m the Manager.
OLD WOMAN
Oh my, you’re a cute young thing! Well perhaps you would know. I can’t seem to find the toilet paper anywhere.
MANAGER
Well isn’t that a national disaster!
Working 9 to 12:45
And earnin’ half the money…
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Ketchup?
MANAGER
It’s is a vegetable! Aisle 5!
Working 1 to 6:15
While fellas gettin’ handsy…
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Pregnancy test?
MANAGER
Aisle 9, right next to the cigarettes!
So then it’s 6:15 to 10
And God forbid I have a baby!
OLD WOMAN
Do I get my senior discount?
MANAGER
Nope, senior discount is on Wednesdays… Wednesdays… I SAID WEDNESDAYS!
OLD WOMAN
See ya Thursday!
MANAGER
It separates the boys from the men!
Girl, you best say it with a grin:
A woman ain’t got time to win!
I swear it’s no different than the ranch back home:
Boys always did know better.
Difference was, back then,
I had a chance to prove ‘em wrong.
What if one day, what if one day
I could just do my job?
What if one day, what if one day
I get what I want?
I wanted to make it in the city,
Be rich and pretty
Wanted to be bigger and badder.
They make me play that role…
And do cleaning, stock, and payroll!
Make sure you dream big enough,
Plus think about all the little stuff!
[The SHOPPERS serve as her backup singers.]
Hosting V.I.P.
This visit’s gonna make me
Make it to the top,
My one shot outta this shop!
I’ll be Regional
And overcome this lull
In my final upward climb,
I will finally hit my prime!
It will be MY TIME!
CHORUS
9 to 5!
__________________________________________
[The MANAGER exits to answer the ringing phone again. The sounds of cheesy Muzak are again heard.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Gillette...the best a man can get!
OLD WOMAN
What would you do...for a Klondike Bar?
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Silly rabbit...Trix are for kids!
[The RENT-A-COP enters and walks by the CLERK, talking into his wrist.]
RENT-A-COP
We got a suspicious character on Aisle 3.
CLERK
I’ve worked here for four years!!!
You’re not even talking to anyone!
Aren’t you tired of pretending?
RENT-A-COP
I am a Warrior of God, and I am NOT gonna let that Commie Pinko Russky violate the sanctity of this supermarket…
CLERK
You never know who might come in through the back door!
RENT-A-COP
What are you talking about?!
I get to handle a top Soviet official!
And all before my coffee break…
CHORUS
…with Folgers in your cup!
CLERK
Where did that come from?!
RENT-A-COP
You don’t understand, I took an oath to protect my country.
CLERK
Really? I didn’t know you were in the military!
RENT-A-COP
Not allowed.
CLERK
Oh. I’m sorry man.
Did you have an injury?
RENT-A-COP (glad that someone asked)
Thank you for asking!
Bone spurs actually.
But… that wasn’t the reason.
(completely earnest) I always wanted to protect people’s freedoms.
CLERK (getting fired up)
That’s rad man!
RENT-A-COP
Yeah!
The U.S. is the greatest best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth!
CLERK (buying into it, earnestly)
Right on!
So did you take, like, a Rent-A-Cop oath?!
RENT-A-COP
Sure did!
CLERK
So it’s a real thing?!
RENT-A-COP
“I solemnly swear to protect all malls, shopping centers, parking lots, food courts, restrooms, entrances, and exits, irregardless of time of day or length of shift, or location (with no mileage reimbursement) from enemies foreign and domestic…including, but not limited to Commies, Vermonters, and queers.”
CLERK (backing out of the exchange)
Oh my!
RENT-A-COP
Commies, Vermonters, & queers…
CLERK
Just them?
CHORUS (taking over with RENT-A-COP)
Commies, Vermonters & socialist democrat feminist libtards & snowflakes & gays
Are taking our healthcare & pronouns & God away!
CLERK (egging him on)
Well then there’s not a minute to spare!
What about that one?
[The RENT-A-COP accosts a shopper.]
RENT-A-COP
You!!!
CLERK
That one?!
RENT-A-COP
YOU!!!
(correcting himself) Oh, hey Frank!
CLERK (pointing to the OLD WOMAN)
What about her?!?!
RENT-A-COP
YOU!!!
OLD WOMAN (holding up the Enquirer with Trump on the cover)
Just grabbing my dailies!
Donald Trump is so handsome…
And all that hair to spare!
__________________________________________
5. FIGHT SEQUENCE
RENT-A-COP
YOU!!!
[The RENT-A-COP squares off to fight the OLD WOMAN. In his fantasy, she lifts her walker like a machine gun, throwing kicks and punches at him. The CHORUS eggs them on à la Karate Kid, until eventually the RENT-A-COP appears to win out over the OLD WOMAN.]
RENT-A-COP
I just wanna thank God for blessing me with the W. Nothing is possible without him. Thank you, God. Thank you, Don King for making this fight happen. God is good...God is good. Thanks to my trainer, thanks to…
[The OLD WOMAN winds up a crane kick and knocks the RENT-A-COP to the ground. As she shuffles off victoriously, the RENT-A-COP trips her. Suddenly the RENT-A-COP’s fantasy reverts to reality, with the old woman lying on the floor.]
OLD WOMAN
I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
__________________________________________
6. THE RUSSIAN IS EARLY
[The scene zaps back to reality. The MANAGER enters in a tizzy, stepping on the OLD WOMAN without noticing.]
MANAGER
The Russian is early!
He’s here!!!
CHORUS
AAAAHHHHH!
RENT-A-COP
Red Dawn! Red Dawn!
Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, give me the strength.
[He kneels to pray.]
OurFatherWhoArtInHeavenHallowedBeThyName…
[He peeks with one eye still closed.]
OurFatherWhoArtInHeavenHallowedBeThyName…
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Where’d I leave my gun?
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Protect my babies!
MANAGER
Everyone calm down!
OLD WOMAN
Well back in my day….
ALL (interrupting)
There’s no time!
CLERK
Shit’s about to get real!
__________________________________________
[As the terrified crowd looks to his arrival, a giant shadow of YELTSIN approaches. YELTSIN seems to miss his cue, entering late. He at last stumbles in at the wrong door, a bottle of Smirnoff in hand, and joins the crowd looking to his arrival. The RENT-A-COP sees him, screeches and faints in fear. The crowd looks at YELTSIN, terrified. After a loud belch, YELTSIN passes out drunk, crashing into a display of groceries. The MANAGER springs into action while the CLERK looks on, amused, munching on Pringles like popcorn in a theater. Everyone ignores the RENT-A-COP, and steps over him, except FRANK, who tries to get him up but fails with his one arm, and fans him with his dangly sleeve.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Told ya Commies were pussies.
MANAGER
That’s not a nice thing to say about pussies… our VIP!
OLD WOMAN
Is there a doctor in the house?
MANAGER
Good idea!
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Is he single?
MANAGER
Or she!
OLD WOMAN
No, really, my blood sugar’s low!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST (á la Wilford Brimley)
I too suffer from di-uhh-bee-tuhs.
MANAGER
I don’t need anybody else passin’ out.
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM (referring to YELTSIN)
He’s taller than I thought!
MANAGER
Give him some air!
OLD WOMAN
Get something in him!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Hair of the dog!
MANAGER
Don’t you dare!
CLERK AND MANAGER (speaking into the PA at the same time, the MANAGER out of desperation and the CLERK being a wise-ass.)
Cleanup on Aisle 7!
[YELTSIN comes to at the noise, and sits up. The CLERK brings him the Pringles.]
__________________________________________
7. I AM NOT IN U.S.S.R. ANYMORE
YELTSIN
I am not in U.S.S.R. anymore!
CLERK
Naw, man… you’re in Texas!
Don’t worry, it was weird for me when I first got here, too…
Dude, you fell like a house.
Eat this.
[YELTSIN takes a Pringle.]
YELTSIN
Is what?
CLERK
Pringles.
Chips… potatoes!
YELTSIN
How can American grow potato to fit in this can?
CLERK
What kinda Coke you want?
YELTSIN
There are different kind?
[The CLERK hands YELTSIN a Dr. Pepper.]
CLERK
Doctor Pepper?
YELTSIN
American healthcare come in a can?
[YELTSIN takes a small swig.]
CLERK
What flavor Alka-Seltzer do you want?
[YELTSIN puts the Alka Seltzer in his mouth, causing an explosion of foam.]
CHORUS
Plop, plop, fizz fizz…
Oh, what a relief it is!
__________________________________________
[As the CLERK helps YELTSIN up, VLADIMIR enters hurriedly.]
VLADIMIR
6ooc… what happened?!
YELTSIN
Vladimir… fine bodyguard you are!
Pará tï blat gyenyy!
[The RENT-A-COP recovers and stands.]
RENT-A-COP
What’s that? What’d he say?…
(to VLADIMIR) Hey! You! Don’t mess…
[The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR lock eyes and share a spark.]
…with Texas!
[The MANAGER leads YELTSIN to the podium for his speech.]
MANAGER
Forgive the podium.
YELTSIN
Is greatest I have ever seen!
CLERK (ribbing the MANAGER)
Rockstar!
YELTSIN
Good days, ladies and gentlemens…
I am Boris Nicolaeovich Yeltsin.
(to VLADIMIR) Vladimir, prepare music.
[VLADIMIR breaks out a cassette and boombox for the official Soviet underscoring, but accidentally puts on B side and plays Dirty Dancing first, followed by other 80’s dance hits. He quickly corrects the error, and plays the Soviet National Anthem.]
(reading from the official speech) “In time of Perestroika, USSR have send me here today in cultural exchange between our two great nation. I see New York, NASA Space Center of Johnson…”
Ah, you are bored…
[YELTSIN stops the tape player.]
__________________________________________
8. JOKE #1
YELTSIN
Good politician start with joke:
They say America is free country, because any man can stand in front of White House and say “Fuck Ronald Reagan!”
But USSR is free country also. Man can stand in Red Square and shout:
“Fuck Ronald Reagan!”
__________________________________________
[The crowd is baffled.]
VLADIMIR
(rigidly) Ha!
Stick to prepared remarks.
YELTSIN
But they were bored!
VLADIMIR
Party is always watching.
YELTSIN
But the people…
VLADIMIR
Chemu vy mogli by nauchit'sya u etikh urodlivykh amerikantsev? (What could you possibly learn from these ugly Americans?)
YELTSIN
My zdes', chtoby posmotret', pust' pokazhut. Pust' nam rasskazhut. (We are here to see things, let them show us. Let them tell us.)
VLADIMIR
Politbyuro zabotitsya ob uspekhe. Nam plevat' na … (Politburo cares about success. We don’t give a fuck about…)
YELTSIN
(sliencing VLADIMIR) No! I speak from heart.
__________________________________________
9. YELTSIN UNLOADS
[YELTSIN folds up his prepared remarks.]
YELTSIN
Party send me to find real America,
But I not know what am looking for.
Am I failure? Am I already a failure?
MANAGER, CLERK, RENT-A-COP, & VLADIMIR
Whoa…
Am I a failure?
YELTSIN
Why does Party send me here?
Yeltsin the drunk old ox…
Let him take tour, smile, shake hand…
Let him hang on a while longer, let him do no harm…
[Everyone stands back, stunned that YELTSIN is opening up like this.]
But I will show them what ox can do!
I will plow, I will plant.
New thing I grow here, today.
But if I don’t…
I will be failure…
I will be failure.
Am I… am I….
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
[YELTSIN vomits.]
MANAGER
O Dear God!
CLERK
My podium!
RENT-A-COP
Holy Santorum Batman!
[The onlookers begin to wretch as well — all of which can be carried on for an uncomfortably long time. Eventually everyone except the CLERK, MANAGER, and YELTSIN exits to recover. The CLERK brings YELTSIN a copy of the National Enquirer to wipe his mouth. YELTSIN recognizes Trump on the cover.]
__________________________________________
YELTSIN
Is man from New York!
I saw his unimpressive tower!
[YELTSIN throws up a little one last time one the image of Trump. The MANAGER enters, and pulls the CLERK aside.]
MANAGER (to CLERK)
This is a disaster…
Now I’ll never make Regional Manager!
CHORUS (like Rocky trumpets)
Bum, bum bum bum, bum bum…
MANAGER (to CHORUS)
NOT NOW!
AND NOT FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW!
CLERK
Have a heart…
He just blew chunks.
Relax!
MANAGER
I can’t just relax!
I need you to clean up.
CLERK
(rapid-fire muttering, to himself) Oh sure, yay, I get to clean up vomit from a minor Soviet official who randomly showed up at my job…
MANAGER
Yes! I need you to do your job… (manic) AND reset the podium AND get the customers in line AND do what needs to be done without my asking…
CLERK
I shouldn’t even be here! I should be practicing…
[The MANAGER approaches YELTSIN.]
YELTSIN
So this Clerk… you can hire boyfriend in America?
MANAGER
(flustered) No, Him?! Psshhh… No…
(collecting herself and redirecting) What do you do for work?
YELTSIN
I am Congressman of People’s Deputies to a Seat on the Supreme Soviet of The Soviet Union.
USSR is, how you say… top-heavy?
RENT-A-COP
Who’s a top?! [Exit.]
MANAGER
Sounds like we do the same thing…bosses don't know if they're a washin' or a hangin’!
VLADIMIR
Who’s hung?! [Exit.]
YELTSIN
To be Manager, how many degrees must you study in school?
MANAGER
None!
As long as I don’t wear that white pants suit I’ve got hanging in my closet.
Gotta keep it feminine.
[The MANAGER turns to the cosmetics section.]
__________________________________________
10. Purely cosmetic
MANAGER
You got your crimping irons, sweatbands, hair bows,
Aqua Net and teasing combs,
Noxema, Scrunchies, banana clips,
Your Clairol benders, Salon Selectives,
LA Looks and Poodle Perms,
Caboodles, oodles of Caboodles!
Jelly bracelets, neon lipstick,
Clearasil and Epilady,
Lee Press-On Nails!
YELTSIN
In Russia, we have soap.
__________________________________________
YELTSIN
Where does it all come from?
MANAGER
The back of a truck.
YELTSIN
What if back of truck is bare?
VLADIMIR
Bear? [Exit.]
RENT-A-COP
Back? [Exit.]
MANAGER
That’s never happened!
YELTSIN
Your supply chain not stop?
MANAGER
Nope!
YELTSIN
Your workers refuse to come?
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR (rapid-fire à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In. They say the line together, then recoil.)
Refuse to come?!
MANAGER
Workers always wanna work in America!
__________________________________________
11. JOKE #2
YELTSIN
You do not know joke in U.S.S.R.?
Soviet go to buy car.
He pay for car.
Car man say: “Good. Come back in ten year, car will be ready.”
And Soviet say, “Morning or afternoon?”
Then car man say, “What difference can it make in ten year?”
And Soviet say, “In morning comes plumber!”
VLADIMIR (deadpan)
Ha!
__________________________________________
[The CLERK joins them in the cosmetics section.]
CLERK
Oh C'mon now! He don't wanna see that girly stuff.
MANAGER
Says the man who wears hairspray and spandex!
CLERK
Naw man, that’s serious rock star stuff!
I’m worried about this poor guy!
This man’s been ON THE ROAD!
YELTSIN
You are on road much?
CLERK
I’m gonna be! Got Battle of the Bands tonight…
YELTSIN
Battle… like, rocket?
RENT-A-COP (rapid-fire à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
Rocket?!
VLADIMIR (rapid-fire à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
In pocket?!
CLERK
No! Rock n’ roll!
MANAGER
(To YELTSIN) He’s really good!
[The CLERK looks at her, confused.]
CLERK (to the MANAGER)
You’ve never seen me play!
MANAGER (with a flirty shrug)
OK…
CLERK (in disbelief)
You’ve never seen me play…
MANAGER
What? A girl can’t go out after work?
CLERK
You’ve seen me play? Where? Was that at The Pinewood, The Alamo, The Broken Spoke?
Man, I played like shit at The Broken Spoke…
YELTSIN (to the CLERK, interrupting)
So you are not just grocery clerk?
CLERK
Naw man, I’m a rockstar!
I can’t be held down workin’ in some supermarket!
I got new songs just spillin’ out of me.
I could write a song about anything!
Ooooh, speaking of…. I got Battle of the Bands tonight.
You should come!
YELTSIN
I came here to see American grocery store.
CLERK (wounded)
Ahhh…
YELTSIN (feeling bad)
Ah, but, uh… sing for me now!
Make me,,, (looking around) cheese song.
MANAGER (needling the CLERK)
Yeah… make him cheese song.
[The CLERK quickly improvises.]
__________________________________________
12. A cheesy moment
CLERK
Here you got your cheeses.
Your fancy-type cheeses:
Your Colby, your Swiss, your Feta, your Velveeta…
CHORUS
When the cookbook calls for cheddar,
Make it with Velveeta. It cooks better!
CLERK
…and cheeses essential for life on the road:
slice, string, and spray.
[The CLERK whips out the can and sprays some in his mouth.]
YELTSIN (inspecting the aerosol spray can)
Is like missile…
Can shoot anywhere!
CLERK
Open up, down the hatch!
[The CLERK sprays some cheese into YELTSIN's mouth.]
YELTSIN
Mmmmmm….
__________________________________________
MANAGER (cutting them off)
(to CLERK) You really think he came all this way to eat spray cheese?!?!
They’ve got cows in the USSR…
(to YELTSIN) I mean, you do have cows, don’t you?
YELTSIN
Collectively… yes.
But I grow up on farm!
(distantly) Was different time…
MANAGER
Talkin’ about livestock….
I’d like you to meet some of our regulars.
Real Texas folk!
[Enter CHORUS as TEXAS SHOPPERS in cowboy attire.]
__________________________________________
13. DEEPER IN THE HEART OF TEXAS
MANAGER
They’re my friendly neighbors, riding their horses,
On their ranches and rodeos,
Holding on to a special kind of feeling
For the Lone Star and the Yellow Rose…
Of Texas!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Howdy partner!
Yee-Haw! etc.
MANAGER
Why don’t y’all tell us some more about Texas?!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
We’ve got steers and bulls and cows and heifers,
Holstein, Jersey, Belgian Blue!
Pecos Bill, The Alamo,
Big football, oil, and barbecue!
And book depositories!
In Texas!
MANAGER
Wait, what?!
Book depositories?
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Hell yeah!
You know it!
Best around! etc.
MANAGER
But why don’t you tell us about the REAL Texas?
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Aw, you wanna know the REAL DEAL, little girl?
MANAGER
Uhh… yeah!
You know, prairie sunsets and cowboy boots and all that!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Well hold onto your ten-gallon hat!
We’ve got saddles, Stetsons, lasso ropes,
And shiny holsters for our guns!
Spurs and chaps and bolo ties
And duster jackets, fringe, and guns!
Ammo clips and full magazines
And long leather straps for all our guns!
Silencers and laser sights,
And we should also mention guns!
Trigger warning!
Paintball guns, staple guns,
Nail guns, stun guns,
Shotguns, semi-automatics!
In Texas!
MANAGER (increasingly nervous)
Uhhh… how about y’all square dance instead?!
(through the store PA) Bow to your partner, nice and slow.
Bow to the corner, and here we go!
Sixteen hands that join in a circle,
Kick them boots and Do-Si-Do!
Circle to the left!
Roll Away to a Half Sashay…
Circle to the right!
Women in the center, men Sashay!
Spin your partner round and round!
Do-Si-Do, don’t hit the ground!
And Prooommmmenade!
[The RENT-A-COP is featured in the dance, cutting flamboyantly loose. VLADIMIR is pushed into the circle, uncomfortable, and quickly steps out again. The RENT-A-COP realizes he must shut himself down as well.]
YELTSIN
Is customary to dance in American supermarket?
They dance for joy at so much food!
MANAGER
Naw, they dance ‘cause I’m callin’ the shots!
You wanna try?
VLADIMIR
(to YELTSIN) Don’t do it!
MANAGER
Like this: Ladies in the center, Men Sashay!
Circle round the room and start your Zoom!
[YELTSIN is unable to keep up with the MANAGER, who takes the PA back in rhythm each time.]
YELTSIN
(through the PA, distorted) Ladies In… Men… Zoom?! (YELTSIN fails to call the dance)
VLADIMIR (to YELTSIN)
You are becoming embarrassment!
MANAGER
Ladies Chain and Allemande!
YELTSIN
Chain ladies and… the Germans?!
VLADIMIR
I tell you it not work!
MANAGER
Shoot the Star and Separate!
[The CHORUS begins to dance towards YELTSIN.]
YELTSIN (jumpy, screaming into the PA)
Shoot! What?! Separate! Separate! SEPARATE!
VLADIMIR
You are terrible leader.
YELTSIN
I try to connect with people!
VLADIMIR
You will NEVER be leader!
YELTSIN
I lead a different way.
[YELTSIN frustratedly puts down the mic and goes into the open space on the dance floor. After a moment of hesitation, he shows the people his own crazy brand of dancing (see YouTube). YELTSIN plays the spoons, while the SHOPPERS hoot and holler. YELTSIN plays a rhythm on the spoons and the SHOPPERS knee slap the reply, as in a typical hoedown.]
YELTSIN
Amazing!
Tell me more.
What DON’T you have in Texas?!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
We’ve got no…
Sissy city slickers with their tiny dogs and kale and AIDS…
MANAGER
Oh, dear God… What? etc.
TEXAS SHOPPERS
No condoms, contraceptives, no Planned Parenthood or power grids!
No dirty needles, no new vaxxes, no new taxes, read my lips!
No immigrants, health benefits, no welfare, crime, or government!
MANAGER (mortified)
UUHHHH no — stop talking!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
We were gonna say some racist stuff!
MANAGER
I don’t wanna hear your race theory!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST (protesting)
Aww, come on! It was gonna be great!
MANAGER
It’s canceled!
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
That’s racist!
MANAGER
Come on, tell ‘em what you DO have!
What makes Texas REALLY GREAT?!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
We are NUMBER ONE…
MANAGER
Yeah! That’s it!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
In faith-based curriculum!
MANAGER
Huh?
TEXAS SHOPPERS
In miles of border wall!
MANAGER
That’s nothing to brag a--
TEXAS SHOPPERS
In voter restriction laws!
MANAGER
I swear to God...
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Incarceration rates!
MANAGER (losing it)
Please just shut up!
TEXAS SHOPPERS (triumphantly)
AND in executions — IN TEXAS!
MANAGER
For fuck’s sake STOP!!!
__________________________________________
[The TEXAS SHOPPERS whisk YELTSIN away. The CLERK approaches, bewildered by the shoppers exiting with the VIP.]
CLERK
Yeehaw!
(noticing her distress) Ya feelin’ okay?
MANAGER
(overly dramatic) Oh, fine…
CLERK
Are you sure?
That kinda went off the rails there.
MANAGER
Watching my career go down…
VLADIMIR & RENT-A-COP (rapid-fire, disappearing, à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
On who?
MANAGER
(to VLADIMIR & RENT-A-COP) Whom!
(continuing to the CLERK)…one off-color joke at a time.
No one listens to me.
CLERK
Look, today’s gonna be a win-win.
You’re gonna get Regional, and I’m gonna rock Battle of the Bands.
Someday… you’re gonna make grocery history.
MANAGER (rapid-fire muttering)
Yeah, getting stuck on hold hosting a bizarro VIP out of nowhere and cleaning up after gun-totin’ supermarket cowboys and my career topping out in middle management for a third-tier franchise and…
CLERK (interrupting)
Come on, this isn’t ALL bad…
MANAGER
What do you mean it’s not all bad?!
They yelled the word AIDS!
VLADIMIR (rapid-fire, disappearing, à la Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
AIDS?
RENT-A-COP
Ew!
VLADIMIR
Nope!
RENT-A-COP
Mmmmmm…..
MANAGER
Dancing, guns, a healthy aroma of barf and Lysol...
It was pretty much like your show at The Broken Spoke!
CLERK
Oh, I knew you came to that one!
Hey why didn’t you stick around and say hey?
MANAGER
Well I figured you got your day job and your real dream,
And you don’t want the two to mix…
CLERK
Nah, it woulda been okay.
Only problem with this job is when I’m here I’m not practicing.
And if I’m not practicing I’m dying inside.
MANAGER
Why would you need to practice? You’re killer!
CLERK
You’re about the only one to notice.
MANAGER
(flirting) Not getting noticed? I know the feeling…
CLERK
I did notice a pretty girl at the bar… between sets… at that show…
MANAGER
(messing with him) Ummm…I meant my corporate bosses…
CLERK
(tongue-in-cheek) Right, …that’s what I meant too.
Bosses never noticin’ what you’re after…
MANAGER
Hey! I like spending time with you
CLERK
I like spending time with you too.
MANAGER
(sheepishly opening up) I guess that’s why, like…
I coulda called in Frank today, but…
CLERK (coming back to his senses)
You WHAT?!?!
[The CLERK’S NEMESIS (CHORUS SOLO) enters, in 80’s rock makeup.]
NEMESIS
I see you’re still stuck in the fluorescent-lit aisles of endless obscurity…
Axl of Chode is gonna kick your ass at
(heavy metal voice) B.O.T.B.!!!!!
CLERK (to the NEMESIS)
I’ll be ready!!!
NEMESIS
(to MANAGER) Hey, can you tell me where I could find…
MANAGER, RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR (interrupting the NEMESIS)
Douches are in Aisle 6!
CLERK (still annoyed with the MANAGER)
Don’t you have something important to do?
[The CORPORATE SUITS appear in a plume of smoke.]
CORPORATE SUITS
WHY haven’t you gotten that photo yet?!
You’ve got to make us look GOOD!
MANAGER
Working on it!
I just haven’t found the right shot.
CORPORATE SUITS
Don’t get wishy-washy and embarrass us!
MANAGER
I won’t.
And by the way, while you’re here, I have some ideas for the store that could…
CORPORATE SUITS
QUIET TOOTS!
[The CORPORATE SUITS disappear, and the MANAGER has a stunned moment to herself.]
__________________________________________
14. THE FUTURE
MANAGER (to herself)
What if one day…
What if one day I wasn’t in this alone?
What if one day I could turn the supermarket into… the dream. The dream that pulled me off that farm, and into this crazy life… a magical place…
Where one day, customers send orders by fax,
Check themselves out when they’re done,
Curbside service!
Electronic payment!
Meal kits!
Home delivery!
No one else can see
What this could be…
CLERK
I got no one who gets me and there’s no one I get.
I gotta be somebody to someone.
Whoa… I wanna feel real… Whoa…
__________________________________________
YELTSIN, wearing a new cowboy hat, has slipped onstage with his newfound Texas drinking buddies from the hoedown, who have clearly snuck him off to a bar in the meantime.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
“So then I says to Neil and Buzz…
It’s just rocket science!”
ALL
Hahahahahaa!
__________________________________________
15. JOKE #3
YELTSIN
Ah yes I have joke also!
American CIA train spy to go to USSR. Is best spy in history: he study for years Russian culture, language, clothing everything perfect. He fly commercial to Moscow to be inconspicuous. Big moment. He step off plane.
Immediately baggage man say: “Hey, look! Is American!”
Spy say: “How did you know?”
Russian say: “You’re black!”
VLADIMIR (deadpan, after the laughter has cleared)
Ha!
__________________________________________
YELTSIN (to the CLERK)
CLERKSTAR!!!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
(to YELTSIN) Make sure you give him that big Texas greeting we taught you!
YELTSIN
Ah yes! Is… Yippe-kay-ay Motherfucker!!
TEXAS SHOPPERS
Hahahahahaa!
CLASSIC!
[The TEXAS SHOPPERS exit, wishing YELTSIN well.]
CLERK
Yeah, we don’t really say that to anybody here…
YELTSIN
I still wait on tour of grocery.
[The MANAGER crosses on her way to the butcher counter.]
CLERK
(secretly to the MANAGER) Well since FRANK can’t do the tour, I guess we’ll proceed accordingly…
YELTSIN
(to CLERK, looking over his shoulder) What is like to work for girlfriend?
CLERK
Girlfriend! Psshhh….
[The CLERK and YELTSIN rapid-fire, snowballing over each other, ad lib.]
YELTSIN
Girlfriend, yes, I watch you two…
CLERK
No, she’s my…
YELTSIN
She pretty!
She smart!
CLERK
I mean… I work for her….
YELTSIN
She dance!
She like my Nania!
CLERK
I mean not for her…. she’s…. like, OK she came to my band concert….
YELTSIN (knowingly)
Ah, so she get you discombobulate!
CLERK
I mean she’s frustrating, because she’s always right…
YELTSIN (freely, over the CLERK)
Oh, just like my Nania…
CLERK
…but not about me… like…
YELTSIN
You must make your move.
CLERK
Make my move?
YELTSIN
Yeah, make your move!
CLERK
What are you talking about?
YELTSIN
You need to grow… Yaichki!
[YELTSIN gestures “balls,” increasingly frantic to convey his meaning.]
Yaichki! Yaichki!
CLERK
Dude, stop bustin’ my balls.
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
Balls?!
[Pause, then back-and-forth:]
Nuts.
Junk.
Marbles.
Huevos.
Gonads.
Stones.
(together) Plums.
Kahones.
The boys.
(together) Tom & Harry.
Cocksack.
Pebbles.
Tackle.
Danglers.
Scrotebag.
Ballocks.
Peaches.
Family jewels.
Rocky Mountain oysters.
Teabag.
Meat clackers.
Wrinklepurse.
[Pause, then triumphantly together:]
Male genitalia!
RENT-A-COP
Yahtzee!
VLADIMIR (correcting him)
Yaichki!
RENT-A-COP
Ah…
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
Yaichki!
YELTSIN (resuming former conversation as if nothing happened)
I may look like bureaucrat,
But I know people.
CLERK
Look, you came here to see see a supermarket…
We now carry frozen calamari.
[The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR flirt with hand gestures throughout the below section, getting increasingly lewd as they go.]
__________________________________________
16. THE LANGUAGE BARRIER
YELTSIN
Look at its testicles!
CLERK
Tentacles.
YELTSIN
Is testicles?
CLERK
Tent-a-cles.
YELTSIN
Right.
Test-i-cles.
CLERK
Whatever, man.
[The CLERK turns to see the RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR, and they freeze.]
__________________________________________
YELTSIN (hearing the MANAGER tenderizing meat)
What is this mighty drum?
CLERK (seeing the MANAGER)
Ah! I think she’s takin’ care of the cows ya’ll were talkin’ about.
YELTSIN
Oh! I can see real American livestock!
CLERK
No, I mean - they ship the meat from God knows where.
YELTSIN
I must see!
[YELTSIN walks towards the MANAGER. The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR resume their silent flirtation, getting hotter and heavier throughout the following sketch.]
__________________________________________
17. BEAT THE MEAT
YELTSIN
What is this?
MANAGER
Top-grade Texas red meat!
YELTSIN
What you do to it?
MANAGER
I’m tenderizing it.
YELTSIN
You are beating it.
MANAGER
Mmm-hmm, to make it tender.
YELTSIN
You beat your meat so is not hard anymore?
MANAGER
That’s right, in Texas we don’t like leaving our meat hard.
YELTSIN
Can I beat your meat?
MANAGER
Sure!
[YELTSIN steps around the counter and takes over. He gathers up the cheesecloth below the meat.]
YELTSIN
While I beat your meat, should I hold the sack?
MANAGER
That’s called a cheesecloth.
YELTSIN
So people like to put one hand down on the sack while they beat their meat?
MANAGER
Not quite…
YELTSIN
Everyone! Everyone!
Come watch me beat my meat!
MANAGER
Ooh! A photo opportunity!
YELTSIN
I remember my grandfather was farmer,
And I used to spend all day beating my grandfather’s meat.
MANAGER
What kind of farmer was he?
YELTSIN
He have…how do you say in American…
The cock.
MANAGER
Chickens?
YELTSIN
Yes, the cock.
He have great big cock.
MANAGER
Why, my Daddy had a chicken farm!
YELTSIN
You like the cock, and I like the cock.
(to the crowd) Who else loves the cock?
[Everyone turns to look at the RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR. They have worked themselves into a human pretzel.]
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
Sorry we missed our cue!
YELTSIN
Each afternoon he would take me out behind the barn,
And I would beat the meat of his enormous cock until it was pink…
[The MANAGER raises her camera.]
MANAGER
Say “Cheese!”
[YELTSIN misses the meat counter, and hammers himself in the crotch just as it flashes.]
CLERK
Ooooh… right in the tentacles!
YELTSIN (from the floor)
Test…i…cles…
__________________________________________
[VLADIMIR approaches YELTSIN on the floor.]
VLADIMIR
Serves you right.
YELTSIN
Vladimir, you really are awful bodyguard!
VLADIMIR
Awful?
What's awful is for you to be seen dancing…
And with these depraved capitalist pigs!
You behave like ox!
YELTSIN
Better than sheep.
VLADIMIR
Sheep?!
You have forget ideas of original Bolshevik Revolution!
Before this doormat Gorbachev,
Before Brezhnev, before Khrushchev, before Stalin
Was Premier… Chairman Vladimir Ilyich Lenin…
He break ancient yoke of Czar!
He cast glorious promise near and far:
“Peace, Land, and Bread…”
YELTSIN & VLADIMIR
“Peace, Land, and Bread…”
YELTSIN (with a whiff of recognition)
“Peace, Land, and Bread…”
__________________________________________
18. DECADENT, UNFETTERED WESTERN CAPITALIST EXCESS
VLADIMIR
But all I see here is…
Decadent, unfettered Western capitalist excess!
Decadent, unfettered Western capitalist excess!
Money-drunk incorporation make consumer slave buy useless product:
ALL LIES!
Decadent, unfettered Western capitalist excess!
Every man attempting to take more than his comrade!
If you have to have the haves,
then you have to have the have nots!
IS FACT!
In Union of Soviet Socialist Republic,
Every man have equal share of food and labor.
Maybe none have much of it,
But every man have some of it!
When Communist government solve a problem,
They make sure solution stick!
Guarantee birth rate, guarantee housing,
guarantee medicine, guarantee infrastructure… IS GOOD!
YELTSIN
Don’t lecture me on Communism.
You are bodyguard!
VLADIMIR
Bodyguard?!
Am here to keep eye on you!
YELTSIN
That is problem!
You are too paranoid!
VLADIMIR
Soviet have always be paranoid!
YELTSIN
(exasperated) Exactly!
That is why we open up!
VLADIMIR
No!
We must go BACK.
Capitalist influence is dangerous!
YELTSIN
But Communism is generate no wealth!
VLADIMIR
Too much wealth make greed.
Things come at cost of people!
YELTSIN
But people here have something to live for!
And can speak up if they don’t!
VLADIMIR
Speak?! What can they say?
(mocking Americans) Scooby Dooby Doo? What you talkin’ bout, Willis? That’s all folks?
YELTSIN
And what can Soviet DO?!
Join State Planning Committee? State Planning Subcommittee? Fill out form? Wait in line? Bureaucracy!
VLADIMIR (gesturing about)
Monopoly!
YELTSIN
Inertia!
VLADIMIR
Inequality!
YELTSIN
Autocracy!
VLADIMIR
Lawlessness!
YELTSIN
Blind collectivism!
VLADIMIR
Blind individualism!
YELTSIN & VLADIMIR
Government collapse!
[They pause, realizing the impasse.]
YELTSIN
Pish posh!
That will never happen here.
VLADIMIR
You sound like one of them.
YELTSIN
Shut up.
Know your place.
VLADIMIR
Know yours.
[VLADIMIR calls out to the CHORUS to help him shut YELTSIN down.]
Oh, boooooyyyys!
[The CHORUS and CHORUS SOLOISTS (FRANK, OLD WOMAN, PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM WITH TWINS, THE COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST) join VLADIMIR and don Soviet uniforms but Cossack hats. They do an increasingly frantic Cossack dance, and YELTSIN is nearly overtaken by them. VLADIMIR ends breathless. The RENT-A-COP fans himself in adoration and claps alone.]
__________________________________________
RENT-A-COP
If this is Communism, sign me up!
[The CHORUS SOLOISTS begin rapidly interrogating YELTSIN, befuddling him.]
OLD WOMAN
In Russia, can you get free prescriptions?
FRANK
A one-handed job?
RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR (popping up as before)
Hand job? [Exit.]
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM (to YELTSIN)
Free birth control?
VLADIMIR
Sure…
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Can you buy guns?
YELTSIN
No.
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
Can you find a man?
YELTSIN
Yes!
VLADIMIR
No.
OLD WOMAN
Can someone get my cake?
YELTSIN (to OLD WOMAN)
Cake? Where is cake?
[Throughout below, the shoppers react in comic horror to the CLERK and MANAGER’s tiff.]
MANAGER (digging hard at the CLERK)
Do the workers wanna work?
CLERK (mocking the MANAGER’s voice)
"Do the workers wanna work?”
MANAGER
Do they have delusions of grandeur?
CLERK (digging hard at the MANAGER) — EXPAND C/M DISAGREEMENT
Do heartless managers call them in on their day off?
MANAGER
FRANK HAS ONE ARM!!!
FRANK
I’m sorry!
BOTH (to FRANK)
Just go, just go…
MANAGER
I said I was sorry!
CLERK
I don’t recall an apology…
[The CHORUS surround YELTSIN à la press conference, noisily ad libbing questions. VLADIMIR starts in with crowd control, trying to hold them off YELTSIN. YELTSIN realizes he must diffuse the tension.]
__________________________________________
19. Joke #4
YELTSIN (defusing the tension)
Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke…
Soviet go into grocery store.
He say to clerk: “You don’t have any meat?!”
Clerk say: “No. Here, we don’t have any fish. Store that not have any meat is across street.”
VLADIMIR
No Ha.
__________________________________________
CLERK & MANAGER (accidentally speaking together)
That sounds horrible.
YELTSIN (rigid)
Is not horrible…
We win World War II…
We has Sputnik, Cosmonaut, and we has them first!
We make woman equal of man.
Workers can each live dream!
Is that so horrible?
We reach out to world!
VLADIMIR (to YELTSIN, patting him on the shoulder, supercilious)
6oos, they’ll never understand.
YELTSIN (disturbed by his own defense)
I not come to talk about Russia!
You have horrible things too!
I see it in news.
Show me American news!
[The CLERK hands him a tabloid.]
__________________________________________
20. Real news
(suddenly sincerely amazed and overjoyed) Jimmy Hoffa is alive?
In Elvis’s grave?!
Alien come down to worship… [page turn]
Oprah?!
CLERK
Dude, you grabbed the wrong one...
YELTSIN (ignoring him)
(to CLERK) This Bat Boy…
Is in baseball?
CLERK
Naw, man, that’s like, a mutant kid.
YELTSIN
(dismissively) Bat Boy we already has…
In Chernobyl.
VLADIMIR
Too soon.
CLERK
This news is all fake…
See, it’s up by the candy bars — just for fun!
If you believe all this stuff, you’d believe that a cabal of Satan-worshipping…
MANAGER (seeing the future again)
…pedophiles…
CLERK
…were harvesting the…
MANAGER
…blood of children…
CLERK
…in the back of a…
CLERK & MANAGER (connecting)
…pizza restaurant!
CLERK (back to being angry with the MANAGER)
I’m still mad at you.
YELTSIN (still lost in the tabloid)
No, is all miracle to me.
CLERK
What do you mean?
YELTSIN
You American live on rainbow!
Look!
CLERK (reading over YELTSIN’s shoulder)
Donald Trump…
YELTSIN
Donald Trump…
CLERK
…after hosting Wrestlemania…
YELTSIN
…after hosting Wrestlemania…
CLERK & YELTSIN
…might consider running for President!
[The CLERK and YELTSIN snicker, then begin laughing uncontrollably. Everyone re-enters and joins them, riffing on the absurdity of a Trump presidency. Then all erupt into a sardonic “opera laugh” for an uncomfortably long time, riffing on current events ad lib.]
RENT-A-COP
How many people would die if that happened?!
MANAGER (horrified)
AND he’s gonna try to storm the Capitol on January 6th and try to kill the Vice President and he might just get away with it.
CLERK
And he’d be up for re-election!
__________________________________________
OLD WOMAN (rapid-fire)
I’m not getting any younger, in fact, I am worried I may die of old age… or that woman’s going to have a baby, or those two queers are going to get married…
[The RENT-A-COP looks around innocently.]
…before I get my cake.”
YELTSIN (to the OLD WOMAN, exiting)
Tell me more about this cake…
VLADIMIR & RENT-A-COP
Cake?!
MANAGER (interrupting their schtick)
That’s not even a euphemism!
RENT-A-COP (to VLADIMIR)
I’ll euph your ism.
VLADIMIR (to RENT-A-COP)
Will eat your cake.
RENT-A-COP
(to himself) Kinda has a ring to it.
(rapid-fire porn talk, to VLADIMIR) You get over here, you get the fork over here. Yes, yes, yes, I’m gonna shove those forking genitals all over that frickin’… yes, yes, yes, I'm gonna forking fork you so freakin’ hard…
VLADIMIR [stumbling porn talk over RENT-A-COP]
Eat it and smear all over face and eyeballs, you are whore, you are my proper whore daddy, I must eat all man…
MANAGER
Oh, get a room!
VLADIMIR (eyeing the CLERK as he says it)
You too, queen.
[VLADIMIR exits, trailing YELTSIN.]
RENT-A-COP
(to himself) Dear God… what are you doing?
__________________________________________
21. DEMONS OUT
RENT-A-COP
What if one day, what if one day…
I could be free… of these urges?
What if one day I could be
The way God wants me to be
Instead of the way
God made me?
VLADIMIR (having realized the RENT-A-COP was flirting with him, turning around)
I must break him.
(to RENT-A-COP) Meet me in back.
We will compare night-sticks.
RENT-A-COP
(about to act on his urges) Well Leggo my Eggo!
[The RENT-A-COP comes to himself, and hears demonic voices offstage.]
(à la The Church Lady) Could it be…. SATAN?!
No, no, get away Satan — be gone!!!
[He opens one eye fearfully, and sees the MANAGER and CLERK approaching from opposite directions.]
CLERK
Dude, it’s just us!
[The RENT-A-COP suddenly assumes the role of preacher.]
RENT-A-COP
Brothers and sisters in Chrisssssss…
CLERK
What?!
RENT-A-COP
I got to tell you something that’s on my heart,
CLERK
Ooohhhh, are you talking about being—
RENT-A-COP
I got to confess a thing that’s been a’troublin’ my spirit….
MANAGER
You mean the fact that you’re g—
RENT-A-COP
I got to lay it on the Altar of GAWD…
CLERK & MANAGER
Really dude, it’s totally fine, you can just come out w—
RENT-A-COP
I GOT TO TESTIFY…
I don’t think I’m st…st…st…
Still supposed to be workin’ security!
I grew up a Godfearin’ young man,
And I always had this dream… what if one day,
I could start my own church?
Where everybody could just siiiiiinnnnnggg,
And there could be lights, and drums, and beautiful choir robes…
And everybody got to be real,
Got to be themselves…
And I was gonna call it The Bible Baptist Church…
(picturing the giant sign) BBC!
And BBC was gonna grow
And insert itself in every holy place.
All over this land,
BBC was gonna be the biggest, and the best,
And give the largest anointing…. [lost in thought]
[Enter CHORUS and YELTSIN.]
Brothers and sisters in Chrisss….
CHORUS
Oooohhhh….
RENT-A-COP
I never started my church.
CHORUS
Aaaaahhhh….
RENT-A-COP
I lost my way!
CHORUS
No shit….
RENT-A-COP
And perhaps someone here today
Has lost their way
And needs to rectify,
Needs to justify,
Needs to testify!
Somebody needs to get real!
Somebody needs to get healed!
I say: Ditch that doubt,
And get them…
Demons out!
Gotta get them demons out….
Everybody got some cross to bear,
Everybody got a secret to share.
Lemme help y’all brethren out,
Lemme tell you what it’s all about,
Gotta get them demons out….
Gotta get them demons out….
Everybody got a holy dream,
Everybody ain’t who they seem.
Lemme help y’all brethren out,
That devil will make you doubt,
Gotta get them demons out….
(to the CLERK) Testify, brother!!
CLERK
I got to tell you, I thought I was gonna make it big, but I don’t know anymore! I know I don’t belong in this job, and I know I wanna break out in rock and roll, but I’VE BEEN HERE FOR FOUR YEARS. It’s like my real life is here! Show me the way!!!
RENT-A-COP
(healing the CLERK) Gotta get them DEMONS OUT!
YELTSIN
Bog khorosh! [“God is good!”]
RENT-A-COP
(to the CLERK) One day the kids are gonna be screaming your name!
(to the MANAGER) Testify, sister!!
MANAGER
I’ve been climbing and climbing, and I’m going nowhere. AND I’m climbing all over people to do it! That’s not who I am! Even if I do lean in and have it all and get my dream, I won't have anyone to share it with!
RENT-A-COP
(healing the MANAGER) Gotta get them DEMONS OUT!
YELTSIN
Bog khorosh! [“God is good!”]
RENT-A-COP
(to the MANAGER) One day, you’re gonna develop all your negatives!
(to the others) Demons out,
Demons out…
[The RENT-A-COP heals various shoppers. Finally he tears FRANK’s cast off, causing FRANK to scream in pain and run away.]
Who else?!
[Everyone pops their raised arms behind their backs.]
How about you, Brother Boris?
Testify…
YELTSIN
My whole life have been ways of Communist Party. But now I see ass bodyguard…
RENT-A-COP (as if patting his own face with a handkerchief)
Amen…
YELTSIN
…and see it flop about…
RENT-A-COP (toking an air cigarette)
Nice n’ sweaty…
YELTSIN
…and I wonder: is there other way?!
RENT-A-COP
Gotta get them demons out….
[The RENT-A-COP heals YELTSIN, and he reels, stunned.]
Last call!
Tell me what’s on your hearts!!!
Testify…
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
I love immigrants.
OLD WOMAN
I'm 44 years old.
FRANK
I think my other arm is starting to hurt.
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
I only have one black friend.
OLD WOMAN
I pushed baby Jessica in the well.
FRANK
I’ve consulted a lawyer.
[Growing, speaking over each other.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
I was a safety officer for the Challenger. Football is boring. I voted for Michael Dukakis!
OLD WOMAN
I was JFK’s lover. I was on the grassy knoll.
FRANK
I plan on suing each and every one of you for workplace negligence.
PREGNANT SHOPPER MOM
I HAD AN ABORTION.
[The music screeches to a halt. The CHORUS gasps in disgust.]
(matter of fact) But it was before conception!
CHORUS
(suddenly ok) Ahhh!
RENT-A-COP
Demons out!
Gotta get them demons out….
Ain’t nobody a perfect saint,
Can’t nobody show restraint.
Come lemme help you brethren out,
Come gimme one big long juicy shout!
Gotta get them DEMONS OUT….
I GOT THE TONGUES IN ME!
CLERK
The what?
RENT-A-COP
I got the tongues in me… flicking all the way inside of me!
CLERK
What the fuck?!
RENT-A-COP
The Holy Sprit came in me and filled me with his grace.
And now I want all y’all to prophesy all over my face!
CLERK
Ooooohhhhh….
MANAGER
I don’t know what it means!
RENT-A-COP
You got to let the spirit speak in its own hidden way.
You can’t have any sense of what it is you’re gonna say!
MANAGER
Still no idea…
CLERK
How do you do it?
RENT-A-COP
It’s like my mamma said to me when I was a little boy…
It was my earliest memory, and mamma said it
In the tenderest, and softest, and sweetest voice I ever heard:
(twitching) SHA-MA-TI-KA-MA-SA-LA-LI-ZA-MI-NEL-LI-BAR-BA-RA-STREI-SAND-PRET-TY-IN-PINK-LI-KA-MA-BAL-A-SAC-A
MANAGER
Oh God!
CLERK
Hell yeah!
RENT-A-COP
Now you try it!
YELTSIN
Eta zhenshchina rasskazala mne ob etom torte, i ya ne mogu dozhdat'sya, chtoby yego s"yest', tort - moy lyubimyy, kak dolgo ya poluchu svoy tort, ya tak goloden… [“This woman told me about this cake, and I can’t wait to eat it, cake is my favorite, how long until I get my cake, I am so hungry…”]
RENT-A-COP
I think that’s Russian…
CLERK
No, no, no… I got this...piece of cake...
it's just like AC/DC! Angus Young!
[The CLERK rolls on the floor with wailing sounds.]
RENT-A-COP
He a little confused, but he got the spirit!
(to the MANAGER) Now you go!
MANAGER (hesitantly)
GA-LA FU-JI KI-KU MAC-IN-TOSH…
RENT-A-COP
You can do better than that!
MANAGER
HAVA NAGILA SHABAAT SHALOM SHLEMIEL SCHLIMAZEL YENTIL…
RENT-A-COP
Keep going!
MANAGER
GLORIA STEINEM MAR A LAGO MERRICK GARLAND ALLAH AL JAZEERA ADMIRAL ACKBAR BA-BA-BOOEY BOKO HARAM BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!!
RENT-A-COP
That’s the way, sister!
Demons out!
Gotta get them demons out….
Everybody got a secret tongue,
Everybody gotta get it sprung!
Come lemme help you brethren out,
Come lemme suck that evil out!
Gotta whip them DEMONS OUT….
[VLADIMIR, with SOVIET DEMONS, suddenly approach, their nightsticks conspicuously positioned. The BAND NEMESIS trails them with death metal enthusiasm.]
AAAHHHH!! It’s Satan incarnate!
VLADIMIR & SOVIET DEMONS
Proletarii vsekh stran, soyedinyaytes'!
Minet, Minet, etc.
RENT-A-COP
NOW THE FINAL TEMPTATION IS UPON ME.
NOW ALL THE RED FORCES SWELL
THEIR MIGHTY, MIGHTY MUSCLES:
SATAN AND THE BIGGER, REDDER EVIL…
COMMUNISM!
NOW I GOT TO REACH BACK…
CLERK
Testify!
RENT-A-COP
NOW I GOT TO REACH AROUND…
CLERK & MANAGER
Testify!
RENT-A-COP
NOW I GOT TO TAKE HOLD OF THAT THING
THAT IS DEEP INSIDE OF ME…
CLERK, MANAGER & YELTSIN
Testify! Testify!
What’s inside you?!
RENT-A-COP
I’M CLOSE! I’M GETTING CLOSE!
IT’S MY… FAITH!
AND
IT
WILL
CAST…
YOU…
OOOOUUUUUTTTTTT!!
[The SOVIET DEMONS disappear, and the others celebrate in a long gospel playout.]
Gotta get them demons out…
Gotta get them demons out…
Ain’t nothin’ gay
(Ain’t nothin’ gay)
Ain’t nothin’ gay
(Ain’t nothin’ gay)
Ain’t nothin’ gay
About Gospel!
Gotta get them DEMONS OUT!!!
__________________________________________
[VLADIMIR storms off, crying. The crowd disperses as the RENT-A-COP says farewell to each of them like a preacher in the back of the church: “See you next Sunday,” “Peace be with you,” etc. As the scene transitions back, we see that the RENT-A-COP is actually checking the shoppers’ receipts at the door of the grocery. YELTSIN follows the OLD WOMAN, clearly interested in the cake. The CLERK and MANAGER awkwardly walk off together, downstage.]
CLERK (encouraging, but eyeing his watch)
I didn't know you felt that way.
MANAGER
Me neither.
CLERK
Hang in there…
There’s still time to get that photo.
MANAGER
I’m sorry about today.
You’ll make it to your thing on time.
CLERK & MANAGER (leaning into one another slowly)
And maybe one day…
Maybe one day…
Maybe one day…
[The OLD WOMAN enters unnoticed. YELTSIN follows close behind her.]
OLD WOMAN (into the PA, absurdly loud)
Maybe one day I’ll get my goddam cake.
YELTSIN (into the PA, absurdly loud)
Yah, what she said.
MANAGER & CLERK (together, lurching stop-start)
I’ll go --
No, I’ll go --
It’s okay --
I can get it --
Do you wanna —
(absurdly together) No really I’m here to help you and we should make the end of this visit go off beautifully… together.
MANAGER
No, no, really, I’ll get it.
(to the CLERK, knowingly) And I’ll hurry.
[Exit MANAGER to fetch the cake. She probably trips.]
CLERK (to YELTSIN & OLD WOMAN, framing a good photo)
You stand here, and you stand here… ad lib.
__________________________________________
22. THE MIRACLE ON ICING
[The MANAGER returns with the cake, amazed that the CLERK has staged a great photo.]
MANAGER
Oh my God! (grabbing her camera)
YELTSIN
Is like a great hockey room!
MANAGER
It’s our best seller!
It shows the 1980 Olympics.
CLERK (to YELTSIN)
Man, we licked you good that time!
MANAGER
It’s called the Miracle on Icing!
3,2,1…
[YELTSIN swipes a fingerful of icing.]
Mr. Yeltsin, don’t move!
[YELTSIN freezes with his finger in his mouth.]
No, I mean get your finger out of your…. there we go…
OLD WOMAN
Hey, that’s mine!
MANAGER
It’s fine, just get back in place…
Say cheese!
[YELTSIN begins to bear-claw the cake. The OLD WOMAN starts to fight over the cake with YELTSIN. The CLERK tries to get everyone back into position. The MANAGER starts to melt down, her photo ruined. The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR rush onstage, and the OLD WOMAN beats him down a second time. VLADIMIR fails to control YELTSIN. All characters ad lib freakout, as long as desired. Eventually YELTSIN is uncontrollably eating by the fistful, his face and clothes covered in the completely destroyed cake.]
OLD WOMAN (all characters improvise based on following)
(à la Dirty Harry) You gotta ask yourself… Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
CLERK
Calm down… no need to argue… ad lib.
MANAGER
Why can’t I get this photo?!
YELTSIN (taunting the OLD WOMAN by taking another fistful)
Tastes like victory!
OLD WOMAN
These old legs are gonna kick your ass!
YELTSIN
Bring it, bitch.
MANAGER
All goddam day with this camera…
CLERK
Stop, stop, stop…
OLD WOMAN
I believe in miracles!
CLERK
Holy shit!
OLD WOMAN
Give it back, you Commie fucker!
YELTSIN
Don’t you call me fucker!
[YELTSIN and the OLD WOMAN begin to fight in earnest.]
MANAGER
Can’t catch a fuckin’ break!
CLERK
Mr. Yeltsin, could you please just give me this cake…
OLD WOMAN
My cake!
[The whole mess of cake ends up flying into the MANAGER’s face, destroying her entire outfit.]
MANAGER
(to ALL) GET… OOOUUUTT!!!
__________________________________________
[Everyone scurries away. The CORPORATE SUITS appear.]
CORPORATE SUITS
CALM DOWN!
Don’t be so emotional.
You’ve got blood coming out of your eyeballs, or your…
WHEREVER…
MANAGER
Hey, you can’t say that!
CORPORATE SUITS
Clean up the mess, get that photo, or YOU’RE DONE!
MANAGER
What?!
CORPORATE SUITS (patronizing)
Listen sweet tits: get the photo… Regional Manager.
Don't get it… pink slip.
[The CORPORATE SUITS disappear in a puff of smoke.]
__________________________________________
23. SMASHDANCE
MANAGER
I wanted to make it in the city…
Be rich and pretty…
Wanted to be bigger and badder…
Cowgirl fresh off the range
Figured she could up and change
The whole damn supermarket industry…
Is it over now? Ain’t no more….
Am I really, truly done for?
Guess I’ll never get that new store
I’m always dreamin’… oh…
Why’s the future always seemin’ so…
So real?
YELTSIN (in a voice similar to CORPORATE)
MISS MANAGER…
MANAGER (mistaking him for the CORPORATE SUITS)
What do you want now?!?!
YELTSIN
To say sorry.
MANAGER
Oh, it’s you…
YELTSIN
Sorry I break your store.
MANAGER
Maybe it’s for the best.
YELTSIN
I am ox...but you grow up on farm.
You know ox is most power.
MANAGER
I mean, my daddy’s farm was chickens, but…
YELTSIN
Ah yes, the c--
MANAGER (interrupting)
…but I still know what you mean.
YELTSIN
People think ox is clumsy,
But ox make things happen.
MANAGER
Oh, yeah!
On the chicken farm, we used to say:
“If you wanna make an omelette,
You gotta break some eggs!”
YELTSIN
Ah! Is good!
“If wish to cook omelette,
You must break cock egg!”
[YELTSIN and the MANAGER look around and slowly start smashing grocery items in a joyous frenzy.]
YELTSIN
You must break it…
MANAGER
I must break it?
YELTSIN
First you take it!
MANAGER
Like, from the shelf?
YELTSIN
Yes!
Then you take it, break it, make it go away!
MANAGER
Um… all right…
YELTSIN
First you take it…
MANAGER
Gimme that!
YELTSIN
It go smash…
MANAGER
With a splash!
YELTSIN
We go bash…
MANAGER
In a flash!
MANAGER & YELTSIN
Gotta smash your life if you wanna find yourself!
We must break it!
MANAGER
Has breaking stuff up worked for you?
YELTSIN (smiling)
It has make me be in trouble.
MANAGER
Isn’t there something you could break over in the USSR?
YELTSIN
I not have store like you!
MANAGER
Then open one!
YELTSIN
What you mean?
MANAGER
Like, I don’t know, maybe you go back with the infinite sense of freedom and possibility you just felt in the average American supermarket, and after briefly entertaining the notion of opening your own line of supermarkets, rise to influence as the RSFSR Chairman, and use that as a position from which to ultimately destabilize Mikhail Gorbachev’s already-weakened Communist government, and get yourself elected President before following through with the Belavezha Accords, in which leaders of multiple countries declared that the Soviet Union no longer existed, quote, “as a subject of international law and geopolitical reality,” and, skipping over various legislative technicalities, kick off a whole new decade of unchecked capitalism in a newly minted post-Soviet Russia which, though it was styled as ‘Free,” nevertheless failed to be able to absorb the sheer economic voltage hit of American-style, cutthroat-competitive, free-market, old-fashioned, by-God capitalism, your own country’s cronyist and essentially-still-Soviet political culture instead fostering rampant hyperinflation and inter-governmental conflict until your death in 2007, at which point history’s verdict will be…well… still out on you, for quite a while.
YELTSIN
No, I mean, like, break this jar.
[The CHORUS of SHOPPERS helps them break things.]
MANAGER
You must break it!
YELTSIN & MANAGER
We must break it!
Gotta smash your life if you wanna find yourself!
Smash your life if you wanna find yourself!
And break it!
__________________________________________
[The RENT-A-COP and VLADIMIR cross center stage, clearly in a lovers’ quarrel.]
RENT-A-COP (wounded from the cake scuffle)
The power of Christ compels you!
VLADIMIR (wounded from the cake scuffle)
Capitalist pig!
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
This will never work.
RENT-A-COP
Because I’m... (charades alluding to the impossibility of their relationship, ad lib)
VLADIMIR
Because I’m…
RENT-A-COP
But I'm also…
VLADIMIR
But I'm also…
RENT-A-COP
And you're also...
VLADIMIR
(to RENT-A-COP) This tour is over.
(to YELTSIN) 6ooc, this tour is over.
[YELTSIN does not hear him, infatuated with the grocery.]
It is time.
We must go, now.
Now!!!
[VLADIMIR claps rudely to get YELTSIN’s attention. A light turns on. YELTSIN walks over to the light and claps it off. ]
CHORUS
The Clapper!
VLADIMIR (dead serious, putting his hand on YELTSIN’s shoulder)
Comrade, vremya idti. [“Time to go.”]
[YELTSIN then claps the lights on and off many times, punkishly looking at VLADIMIR and clapping. He turns. The flickering lights show him a giant ruby-red radish and he walks slowly over to it.]
YELTSIN
Look, look!
I have not see this!
[YELTSIN picks up a giant ruby-red radish.]
This is what I remember.
CLERK
Remember from where?
__________________________________________
24. Just a boy
YELTSIN
I was just a boy.
I was just a boy when Soviets
Push my family off their land.
They take our whole harvest…
I was hungry,
Always hungry.
I was…
Just a boy…
__________________________________________
[The CLERK’s watch alarm suddenly begins beeping.]
MANAGER
You gotta get going! It's okay…go!
[The CLERK doesn’t respond as the watch continues to beep.]
COWBOY ASTROPHYSICIST
Win one for the Gipper!
OLD WOMAN
Sing it like Sinatra!
PREGNANT SHOPPER
Rock stars are hot. Go get ‘em!
FRANK
Make me whole again!
BAND NEMESIS
Hell man, we can carpool!
MANAGER
Don’t worry, I’ll see you tomorrow.
CLERK
You will?
MANAGER
Yeah, you’re on the schedule!
CLERK
I don't WANNA go!!!
YELTSIN
Your clock have beeped.
You must leave!
[The CLERK sits down on the floor next to YELTSIN.]
CLERK
No… this is it!
I wanna be here.
I think I’m supposed to rock and roll for you.
YELTSIN
Ah! You will make me new song!
__________________________________________
25. Make your move
CLERK
Sometimes the future you’re dreamin’ of
Means that you got to throw away
Something you think you love,
Means you gotta seize the day,
Make your move…
Make your move.
(handing the guitar to YELTSIN) Here… take this… you try.
YELTSIN
“Sometimes the future you dreams about…”
CLERK (teaching YELTSIN)
Of… dreamin’ of…
YELTSIN
“Means that you got to…”
Toss?
CLERK
Throw away…
YELTSIN
“Something you think you love….”
CLERK
That’s right!
YELTSIN
“Means you got to seize the day,
Make your move.
Make your move.”
(to himself) How can I seize day?
What do I do?
Come on, Boris Nicolaeovich….
Make your move….
CLERK
Yeah! See, now you can add some real rock n'roll moves...
Like the windmill.
Now you try it.
And the Kiss tongue…
[YELTSIN tries each move in turn.]
That's right!
Hell, Pete Townshend, at the big moment
used to SMASH HIS OWN GUITAR!
Oh man...That's exactly how
I was gonna do it at the show today:
A windmill…
Into a peace sign…
Into the Texas Rodeo Swing…
[YELTSIN tries the three moves along with the CLERK.]
CLERK, YELTSIN, & CHORUS
Make your move.
Make your move….
Sometimes the future you’re dreamin’ of
Means that you got to throw away
Something you think you love,
Means you gotta seize the day,
Make your move…
Make your move.
[YELTSIN, eager to try his new rock star moves, lifts the CLERK’S guitar above his head to smash it à la Pete Townshend. The CLERK stops him at the last second.]
CLERK (seeing YELTSIN, in horror)
WHOA!!!!
__________________________________________
YELTSIN
Communism is LIE!
VLADIMIR
6oos… what are you saying?
This store have capture your mind.
YELTSIN
YES!
They have radish the size of potato!
They never run out of food!
They have hockey cake, missile cheese, frozen testicles!
Not even Politburo eat like this!
What have we done to our poor people?!
They starve because of Party!
They starve because of YOU!
[YELTSIN grabs VLADIMIR by the collar and throws him to the ground. The RENT-A-COP approaches.]
__________________________________________
26. This must be love
RENT-A-COP
Nobody puts Vladdy in the corner!
[A Dirty Dancing scene begins.]
(to VLADIMIR) Come here you sexy devil…
VLADIMIR
I must make unfettered revel…
With you.
CHORUS
This must be love…
[VLADIMIR slowly turns to face the RENT-A-COP, then leaps high into his arms à la Patrick Swayze. Together, they exit.]
YELTSIN
Good for them!
__________________________________________
MANAGER
Yeah, good for them!
[CORPORATE rings for the MANAGER.]
MANAGER
Hi, yeah, no no no, it’s all going totally fine…
You know it’s funny, I was trying to get the picture, and… I’m trying to explain…
[rapid-fire interruptions] I…I was… I didn’t…
Excuse me, I’m speaking. I’M SPEAKING.
You know what? I quit!
YELTSIN (into phone)
Yippe-ki-yay motherfucker!
YELTSIN and MANAGER
Gotta smash your life if you wanna find yourself…
CLERK
WHAT? I JUST DECIDED TO STAY!!!
YELTSIN (to MANAGER)
Thank you.
Visit here show me what I must do for my people.
[The MANAGER and YELTSIN shake hands.]
YELTSIN
Goodbye, Miss Manager.
MANAGER
Goodbye, Mr. Yeltsin.
CLERK
Quick, the camera!
[As YELTSIN and the MANAGER embrace, the SHOPPERS toss the disposable camera towards the CLERK, working together. With his good arm, FRANK makes the final catch. The CLERK nabs the great photo-op at last.]
Frank!
(to the MANAGER and YELTSIN) Smile!
MANAGER
You did it!!!
[The MANAGER kisses the CLERK on the cheek.]
YELTSIN
Rockstar!
[The MANAGER exits.]
CLERK
Did ya find what you were lookin’ for?
YELTSIN (to the CLERK and MANAGER)
I find real America in you.
CLERK
Man, I’m just a grocery clerk.
YELTSIN
Not… just.
Oh!
I forget souvenir!
[YELTSIN grabs the Enquirer with Trump on the cover.]
Russian people will LOVE him!
CLERK
Man, it’s been real.
Wherever you go, I hope you rock and roll.
(holding up a peace sign) Hey… show me the move…
[YELTSIN does the peace sign, and together they do the Texas Rodeo Swing.]
Yeah! ROCKSTAR!
[The CLERK exits, leaving YELTSIN alone. The lights go down on the grocery store.]
__________________________________________
27. home
YELTSIN
I wake up from Soviet ideas.
Way up high in ideas is nothing.
I can bring Russian people home
To land, to harvest, to feast…
This must be why I was climbing.
This must be what my life was searching for.
Somewhere over in Mother Russia,
Today, a boy is hungry.
And I can feed him!
I can show the way home.
No one else have heart, mind, courage to do.
Why, oh why can’t I?
Why can’t I lead us home?
Home…
Home…
[The grocery store vanishes. In a video montage, we see news footage of the real Boris Yeltsin toppling the USSR, and becoming the first president of a free Russia — waving the Russian flag in the Texas Rodeo Swing and giving the peace sign as Beethoven 9 roars in the background. Eventually the music subsides, and the CLERK steps back onto the empty stage, a little older now.]
__________________________________________
CLERK
Who woulda guessed that a visit to a grocery store… ended the Cold War?
MANAGER (wearing her white pants suit)
After I quit, I took some time to think it over… and then I started my own supermarket chain!
CLERK
She bought out those corporate assholes.
MANAGER
And guess who writes all our jingles!
RENT-A-COP
I started my own church.
A place where people can be who they’re meant to be!
[He dons a collar.]
MANAGER
And now they have the most fabulous weddings!
[VLADIMIR pops up, as before.]
RENT-A-COP (to the CLERK)
And talking about weddings…
CLERK
Yeah, we tied the knot.
VLADIMIR
So did we!
CLERK
And now I’ve got a new band:
Got people puttin’ their hands on me,
Screamin’ my name,
And we are UP ALL NIGHT!
[He takes a kid from the MANAGER’s arms, and she returns to her work.]
MANAGER
Thanks, honey!
CLERK
Now I’m a REAL rock star.
RENT-A-COP & VLADIMIR
Now… love is love.
MANAGER
The future is female.
CLERK
And one ordinary person can CHANGE THE WORLD!
[Enter YELTSIN.]
YELTSIN
Not bad for a drunk old ox!
[YELTSIN joyously embraces each of his old friends in turn.]
__________________________________________
28. Freedom (reprise)
CLERK, MANAGER, RENT-A-COP, & YELTSIN (to the audience)
How hungry are you for freedom?
CHORUS (to the audience)
WHOA, yeah we need it,
Yeah we bleed it —
Freedom!
NO, can’t conceal it,
Can’t repeal it —
Freedom!
Any life you want make it,
Any prize you want take it,
Any doubt inside break it.
CLERK, MANAGER, RENT-A-COP, & YELTSIN
How hungry are you America?
CHORUS
GO and light the fire,
Never tire,
Raise it higher --
Whoa!
ALL
Make your move!
Sometimes the future you’re dreamin’ of
Means that you gotta throw away
Something you think you love… etc.
I wanna feel real… etc.
How hungry are you America?
MAKE YOUR MOVE!
